And... Scene.

Hey there 'Redheads... We're down to the last day of Blog-A-Day in May. For those of you who've stuck around for this long, drawn out, exercise in self-importance, congratulations. I hope you've enjoyed it as much as I've enjoyed doing it...to you. Don't consider this last installment a payoff for your diligence... This one will be just as mildly amusing as the previous 30. And away we go...

If there's one thing I slacked on whilst tripping the blog fantastic (fine...mediocre), it was the pretty pictures to go along with the over inflated wordage. In particular, some people clamored for visual evidence of my sunburn from last weekend. Since I don't actually own a camera, I have to rely on other people to get the pictures. Well, this one finally came through... Watch. Wince. Repeat.

It's tough to tell which is pastier, my thigh or my sock. The sock is white. The thigh is tragically white.

Had another fun couple of shows at the Greensboro Comedy Zone last night. Once again, it was a tale of two crowds. The early show was great. They laughed in all the right spots. They bought me shots on stage. They were picking up what I was puttin' down. The late show was not as giving. I'm going to write a book about the late show, called "That Crowd Just Wasn't That Into Me".

So, today I had a couple hours to kill before driving to Fayetteville for two more shows tonight. I decided to go to the local Hooters, for some wings and polite ogling. While chit-chatting with my waitress, it came up that I was a comic. Unfortunately, I was within earshot of a couple guys who think thought I could use a new joke for my act. Before I knew it, one of them waddled over and leaned on the chair next to me and told me the following "joke" as I'm eating my wings (I'll try to type it correctly)...

There's this teenage girl who wants to borrow the family car. So she asks her daddy, "Daddy, can I have the car. It's very important." Well, it goes on and on. The dad says, "I'll only lend it to you if you give me a blowjob." The girl said, "What, Daddy?" So, they went back and forth, until the girl finally said ok. So, the dad drops his trousers and she starts going to town. She stops and spits and says, "Daddy, your dick tastes like shit." He says, "Yeah, I know. Your brother wanted the car this morning."

Bon appetit. I know that's the kind of thing I would say, unsolicited, to a stranger. The question is, do I open with it or close with it?

Thanks for reading all month. Now that I've proven that I can do this more regularly, I suppose I should. Maybe Blog-Every-Other-Day-In-June...or something. Stay tuned.

To be continued...

Blog Me To Hell...

Hey there 'Redheads... Sorry for the slipshod nature of yesterday's post, but any port in a storm... I've been chugging along in this marathon, and I'm not going to let a digitally pulled hammy keep me from crawling across the finish line, out of breath, with chafed nipples. With said finish line in sight, onward and upward with Day 30 of Blog-A-Day in May.

Technology continues to be the bane of my blogular existence. I took my laptop down to the nearest Best Buy, so a geek in a tie could tell me there was absolutely nothing wrong with it as he connected immediately. I don't recall running over a gypsy with this laptop anytime recently, so I'm pretty sure I'm not cursed. Right now, it's basically a paper weight with a shoulder strap...for convenience. Anyway, I'm at a computer workstation at a goddamn Kinko's, paying 20 cents a minute to crank this out...see what I do for you guys?

Speaking of gypsy curses, I just saw Drag Me To Hell over at the local multiplex. Two gnarled gypsy woman thumbs up. It's got a plotline we can all get behind in these troubled times. A mortgage lender who screws an elderly woman out of an extension on her loan gets cursed to burn in the fires of h-e-double-hockey-sticks for all eternity. Nice to see Sam Raimi get back to his roots (the kind that tangle you up and swallow your soul) of scaring the bejeezus out of people with fast zooms, sudden loud noises, and cheap thrills. It's makes up for the over-bloated pile of CGI that Spider-Man 3 turned out to be. This movie is singular of purpose, grabs you quick, thrashes you around a bit, then deposits you back to the edge of your seat. Fun stuff.

The shows at the Greensboro Comedy Zone went pretty well overall last night. I'm working with a like-minded headliner in Tom Simmons, a local NC guy who admitted to me that he usually does horrible here. You have to slow things down and say fuck a little more to keep the audiences on the hook. The first show went great for both of us, but the second show we were met with mostly slack-jawed stares. I had pockets of support in the audience for the late show, which was enough to get me through. Looking forward to tonight. And, if the stars align, I'll be meeting up with the fellas from The Geek Comedy Tour tomorrow as they come back from a gig in Charlotte.

Read all about it, on the last day...see ya then.

Desperate times...

Oy vey 'Redheads... It's Day 29 of Blog-A-Day in May and things are bleak. Once again, the laptop I brought with me has shit the bed as far as wireless connection. So, I'm typing this on my phone... I've come too far to let this slide now. Please take this time to scroll down and enjoy any installment you may've missed, while I try to get things rectified.

'Til then...

Blog... B-L-O-G

Hey there 'Redheads... It's Day 28 of Blog-A-Day in May, and I'm feeling downright geusioleptic. Yeah, I just got done watching the National Spelling Bee, which emanated live from the Hyatt in downtown DC. You know that has to be a rockin' afterparty. Half the fun of tuning into the bee is to watch these socially handicapped kids as they take a tension-filled stroll down Sesame Street with Asperger's syndrome. The other half is to watch Tom "Will Host For Food" Bergeron fill with patter that makes Fred Willard in Best In Show look like Jim Lehrer. Sorry about that last sentence...this video sympathizes with you...

Moving on... I think to help prep these kids for their high school futures, they should get an atomic wedgie as a consolation prize upon elimination. I hope these kids can adjust and eke out a passable social life. It'll get awkward when one of the guys is on a date and asks the girl for her country of origin. If "Can I use you in a sentence?" qualifies as a pickup line, you better learn to use loneliness in a sentence.

If you're in the Greensboro, NC area this weekend, come check me out at the Greensboro Comedy Zone. Two shows Friday and Saturday. Click the link for tix and info.

See you Friday...

So You Think You Can Blog...?

Hey there 'Redheads... Day 27 of Blog-A-Day in May is upon us, and things are starting to fall apart...mostly on my face. The peeling stage of my sunburn has set in, and my forehead is snowing forehead skin...flakes. Forehead Skin Flakes...part of a disgusting breakfast. They'rrrre GRRRROSS!!

Now that I've given most of you the dry heaves, I can address the other thing that is falling...the sky. The oompa loompan dictator, Kim Jong Il is rattling his sabre again and this time he just might have a weapon of mass destruction under that phone book he's sitting on. He's threatened to attack U.S. ships that try to stop any weapons shipment from North Korea. If that happens, we're gonna have to throw down. To help calm any jangled nerves over the possibility of World War III, I've included a video to help take the North Korean threat a little less seriously...

I know I feel better.

See you Thursday...

Flaky

Hey there 'Redheads... Welcome to Day 26 of Blog-A-Day in May. One thing I pride myself on, is better than average grammar and spelling. Sure, I have the crutch of spellcheck to lean on, but I still spell pretty good. Comes from learning to type on an Apple IIc...before spellcheck existed. It also helps when you make words up. Anywho, enough of me beating my syntactical chest. Today, I spotted two glaring errors that are pretty tough to let slide.

The first comes to us from DC's own Washington Natinals...

Once again, they stopped just shy of misspelling DC, but this time they at least tried to distract from the blunder with...a grinning bobblehead.

You remember President Teddy Rossevelt. He came right before President Kraft and right after President McCheese. This club has some mental block against O's...oddly enough, they suck slightly more than the O's.

The other spelling misstep also came with a built-in distraction, as it was inked on Hayden Panetierre...

HOLLYWOOD - Hayden Panettiere may be regretting the tattoo running down her left side. The 19-year-old actress has a tattoo which reads “Vivere senza rimipianti” - an Italian phrase. The only problem is the tattoo is misspelled. Instead of “rimipianti” the actual spelling should be “rimpianti.”


And the fly in her chardonnay? The tattoo means, "Live without regrets". Kinda like when some douchebag gets an Asian character on his arm because it looks cool. He thinks it means "Flying Dragon", but anyone who can read Mandarin knows it means "Chicken Fried Rice". It helps that she's hot and most people can't read Italian that isn't on an Olive Garden menu.

See ya tomorrow...

BabyQ

Hey there 'Redheads... We're in the home stretch with Day 25 of Blog-A-Day in May, and I was worried that I wasn't going to have anything to blog about in this installment. Then something struck me. I went to three BBQs this extended weekend, and there was a baby at all of them...and there was baby news that broke at two of them. That's a 1 to 1 baby to BBQ ratio. I think it's grounding to have a baby in close proximity while you're gorging yourself, because you and the kid share the same baseline thought process. Eat 'til you cry, belch, get sleepy, maybe poop, then repeat step one. I ate myself into a slight stupor, taking breaks only to coat my screaming skin in a thin aloe glaze. All in all, a fun weekend.

As for the baby news, wish a mazel tov in my sister's general direction. She's got another bun in the oven...any more buns and she'll rival the Pillsbury Doughboy. On the plus side, you guys will have some cute baby pictures to coo at by the end of the year. On the minus side, my sister may have to move into a shoe.

I hope you did your part to remember the sacrifices our military men and women have made and continue to make so that we have the freedom to do trivial three-day weekend stuff. Even if it was sitting on your couch watching the NCIS marathon.

See you tomorrow...

Qing

Hey there 'Redheads... It's Day 24 of Blog-A-Day in May and I am stuffed. Just got back from a BBQ at my buddy Greg's house. I'm full of beer, bratwurst, burgers, brownies, and ribs...and I smoked my first cigar in about 5 years. Happy on the inside, still in large discomfort on the outside. Most of my friends cringed when they saw my lobster-like appearance. They're of the opinion that I absorbed enough solar radiation to get super powers. Apparently, I have the ability to wince while sitting, showering, and sleeping.

Since I'm in pain, I figured I'd inflict some. Behold this classic shitburger. In the spirit of the weekend, this one will stick with you for years to come... You're welcome.

See you Monday.

OUCH

Hey there 'Redheads... It's Day 23 of Blog-A-Day in May, and today's installment is extra crispy. I hurt. When I was tallying up the BBQs for this weekend, I neglected to include myself on the list. Allow me to explain.

A gaggle of my friends and I trekked up to Sandy Point State Park for a day of fun and sun. I've never been a big beach guy. Sand gets everywhere, I don't much care for the ocean, and the beach itself is littered with hot pointy objects, but I figured it'd be fun with the right company. And it was. We tossed frisbees around, played Yahtzee, and I flew a kite for the first time since I was eight. All the while, the sun beat down. I guess I didn't apply the sunscreen as liberally as I should've (there's also a theory that the stuff I did put on had expired). You've heard of being sun kissed? I got sun molested. My legs, my arms, and the back of my neck are red and stingy. I photosynthesized pain. If you look at the dividing line on my legs from where it goes from pasty to beet red, I look like the crappy part of Neapolitan ice cream. I've been slathering myself in aloe to help prevent molting, but I have a funny feeling that, come tomorrow, I'm going to be flakier than a Greek pastry. If you see me, please resist the urge to dip me in drawn butter.

See you Sunday...

Double Deuce

Hey there 'Redheads... It's Day 22 of Blog-A-Day in May. And it's Memorial Day weekend...hug a vet...buy a mattress. Since my trip out to fabulous Youngstown, Ohio got derailed, I've got the whole lazy weekend off to do lazy weekend things...like laundry...and overeating. In the coming days, I have 3 BBQs, a trip to the beach, and a possible crab feast on my plastic plate. Just a heads up to the EMTs who're taking bets on my stomach contents in the ER.

I was hanging out with a couple other local comics last night, and we were discussing a bunch of random things over a pitcher of beer and some nachos. I'm not sure how the topic of Scientology came up, but an interesting point was made. The main problem with Scientology isn't that it's based on science fiction, but that it's based on bad science fiction. Why couldn't they be following the teachings of Douglas Adams? They all get issued a towel and the basic tenet is "DON'T PANIC!" Sounds pretty simple to me.

Thanks to my buddy, Jake Young for hipping me to the following video. It's a girl trying to convince an actor friend of hers that L.A. isn't all it's cracked up to be. Enjoy...

Looking for a unique comedy experience? Check out the Geek Comedy Tour at Alliance Comics in Silver Spring on Saturday night...



See you Saturday...

21

Hey there 'Redheads... I've got about 13 minutes to get Day 21 of Blog-A-Day in May in the books so I can keep this streak alive. In lieu of an amusing anecdote, I thought I'd take a couple whacks at the musical pinata and let some delicious ear candy pour out. So, fire up your iPods and enjoy the flowing tapestry of toe-tappery...

The Devil's Highway
AC/DC - Highway To Hell
Van Halen - Runnin' With The Devil, I'm The One, And The Cradle Will Rock, Eruption





Metallica Goes To Punjab
Metallica - The Four Horsemen
Punjabi MC - Mundian Back To Me





Maiden Goes To Hollywood
Iron Maiden - The Rime of the Ancient Mariner
Frankie Goes to Hollywood - Relax, Welcome to the Pleasuredome







And, because Terminator: Salvation is now in a theater near you...
Bale Out
The Christian Bale rave out remix















See you tomorrow...

Bracketology

Hey there 'Redheads... Welcome to Day 20 of Blog-A-Day in May. Shame on those of you who didn't vote for Adam Lambert on American Idol. Actually, coming in second on that show is the best thing that could happen to him. First of all, he doesn't get saddled with that albatross of a song that is the winner's first single. This is the eighth season, and none of the final songs has been more than pseudo-inspirational pablum. If they're going to insist on the power ballad about achieving your dreams, then they should hire the master of the genre, Stan Bush.

If you aren't swelling with the inner fire to tackle your demons in the eye of the angry hurricane, then check for a pulse. This'll be the first time I'd actually buy an American Idol contestant album. I've been waiting to hear him cover Run to the Hills by Iron Maiden, but I think that'll be a long wait.

On a smaller scale of competition, I took part in a comedically gladiatorial contest tonight. I took the stage at the Comedy Spot to spit hot fire in the first round of the May Madness tournament. This is an NCAA-style bracketed tournament...so, sixty-four comics in total. We were very lucky to have a great responsive crowd to handle the laughing duties. The interesting thing about the format is that it truly is a head-to-head match-up, so I only had to beat one other comic tonight. I was up against the very funny, Kyle Martin. Other great clashes included Jake Young vs. Big Al Goodwin, Lucas Bohn vs. Eddie Bryant, and Vince Barnett vs. Lisa Lanham. Here's how the rest of the bracket breaks down...so you can fill one out and start a pool...

After tonight's show, with the top left bracket, Sonny Fuller, Al Goodwin, Adalah Banks, Eddie Bryant, Vince Barnett, Ayanna Dookie, and yours truly advanced to the round of thirty-two. Should be a fun bunch of shows. Click the link for tix and info.

See ya Thursday...

Bump on the Road

Hey there 'Redheads...  We're up to Day 19 of Blog-A-Day in May...all downhill from here, in every sense of the phrase.  As you might remember, part of the purpose of the blogal experiment was to chronicle the whirlwind road schedule I had on my plate this month.  From a heaping helping of Harrisburg, to a decadent dinner of DC, the next course on the menu was a yummy...yam...of Youngstown (you try to alliterate with "y").  Well, turns out we had to send that dish back.  When I called the Funny Farm in Youngstown to confirm my weekend there, I discovered I was working with a guy called "Closed For Renovations".  

So, I'll be spending Memorial Day weekend here at home.  Fear not, I'll still have some comedy exploits to foist upon you as I'm competing in the May Madness tournament at the Comedy Spot.  64 comics go head to head in a bracket-style tournament for the eventual grand prize of $6,000.  I'm on the first show of the competition with local heavyweights Big Al Goodwin, Jake Young, Lucas Bohn, and Tim Miller.  Should be a great show.  Click the link for tix and info.

See ya tomorrow...

Technocrap

Hey there 'Redheads... It's Day 18 of Blog-A-Day in May, and I'm caught in a quandary...a technological quagmire...and a couple other huge Scrabble moves. On the one hand, I got a brand new cell phone, with 3G technology that puts the world at my fingertips. However, these fingertips might as well be on the one hand of an Amish guy who just awoke from a five decade long coma. These fancy blinking lights frighten and confuse me...and these buttons are proud. I am at the mercy of these machines of convenience. Do you know what I realized today? I don't know anyone's actual phone number. I just push the button and take completely for granted that this tiny box will call my friends and family. When the possibility that my contact list might not transfer from my old phone to my new one, my left arm went numb. I felt like Burgess Meredith from that Twilight Zone episode where he's the last man on earth, he has all of the books he could ever want to read and all the time to read them, then his glasses break. Of course, you probably haven't seen it, since it was a black and white episode and Burgess Meredith wasn't training Rod Serling to fight Clubber Lang.

Not only am I behind the curve with the phones, but I can't get a goddamn video to upload. My computer can only handle the frame rate of a flip book, apparently. I picked up an HD video camera in the hopes of becoming a YouTube sensation. I recorded my above average performances from the Improv over the weekend. When I try to input the footage into my computer, it's like trying to force feed an elephant...to a smaller elephant. So, no I don't have any video reconnaissance of my great shows at the DC Improv. I may instead convey it through interpretive dance. Stay tuned.

Big thanks to the DC Improv for another amazing slate of shows. For those of you who watch Dancing With the Stars, check out Tuesday's show. Jeff Ross will be roasting the three finalists and I'm hoping he uses the joke I gave him. It's a fat joke aimed at Steve Wozniak about how the stars on the show orbit him. Keep an ear peeled. If I can figure out how to turn on the television, I'll be watching too...

See ya then...

Puzzling

Hey there 'Redheads... Day 17 of Blog-A-Day in May is here and with it, some minor challenges. First, aside from this blog, I'm pretty much incommunicado. My cell phone had been on life support for a couple days, and this morning it took its last gasp and emptied its bowels. Now I have to get a new phone, but I don't want something that's essentially a giant whistle with a bell on it, with a monthly bill of a pound of flesh. I just want to be able to text, talk, and take decent pictures with it. In the meantime, I'm training a carrier pigeon. So far, I can get mine to crap in Morse code.

Today, I took part in the Washington Post Hunt, a confounding scavenger hunt through the streets of downtown DC, using clues in the Washington Post magazine to solve puzzles that would give Rube Goldberg a migraine.

The sky was slightly overcast, which is convenient because it took a group of rain men to win the damn thing. My group and I went from puzzle to puzzle, noodling through the clues and we were sure that we figured everything out and that all of the other near 5,000 competitors were retarded...until it came time to fit all the puzzle pieces together and we realized that everyone else was playing Vulcan chess while we were playing tiddly-winks. Once again, hubris, thy name is Jared. Even though we didn't taste victory, I did manage to snag a picture with one of the Hunt's organizers and one of my favorite humorists, Dave Barry...


One show to go tonight at the DC Improv with Jeff Ross. The weekend has been amazing thus far. I shot some video last night, so I'll have something postable tomorrow...and some more pictures.

'Til then...

Every Breath I Take...

Hey there 'Redheads... Welcome to Day 16 of Blog-A-Day in May. Boy howdy am I draggin' ass today. Normally, when I'm playing a club in town, I try to work my schedule so I'm not working the day job on Saturday. No such luck this time around, so I had to be up at 7:00am after getting to bed at around 2:00am.

A bit about what I do to pay the bills. I work at an auto parts and supply store. Nothing glamorous, but I can pay my mortgage on Stately Stern Manor, and they give me time off for road gigs. One of the primary services we offer is custom mixing car paint for body shops. So, the bulk of my day is spent in the paint room, breathing in technicolor. Think Fantasia meets How Green Was My Valley (I'll wait while you click over to IMDB). Of course, we have giant exhaust fans to help disperse the vapors, but for the most part I spend my day huffing paint fumes. I've been doing this for awhile and it hasn't pancakes accordion doorstop to me yet. When I die, I plan to donate my lungs. I'm going to have them backlit and hung up at the Hirschhorn...it'll be trippy.

Another great pair of sold out shows at the Improv last night. I'm being spoiled rotten by the crowds. Seriously, the audience at the DC Improv is a gift. I'm going to try to get some video of tonight's shows and hopefully I'll have some clips for you guys on Monday.

See you tomorrow...

The Ides...

Hey there 'Redheads... It's Day 15 of Blog-A-Day in May. If my calculations are correct, I'm at the midpoint of this month-long exercise. What better time to look back on the two week trail of tripe...? Sure, some of you might see this for a veiled attempt to pass off regurgitation as regular content. Just think of me as the mama bird, feeding you chirping chickadees...I'm running on fumes today...roll with it. And now the Top 3 best lines/blurbs so far...

3. From Day 4, the transcript of an IM I had with my sister about my nephew Mo's recent spill...

Lauren: yeah, don't know if mom or dad told you, he fell and banged his mouth pretty bad...

Jared: yeah, I heard that

Lauren: he was all swollen for the past two days...didn't look like our little moshe

Jared: awww... poor kid... he chip a toof?

Lauren: No, thank G-d...but he's really bruised and there are dark marks behind his 2 front teeth... the swelling went down today, but he still has a lot of bruising

Jared: that's how you learn not to stand on a rocking chair... he's wobbly enough without help

Lauren: the whole thing was so flukey... i always tell him not to stand on chairs

Jared: now the chair told him

Lauren: right

Jared: and the floor said, "told ya"

Lauren: uch, he was so sad

Jared: :o/

Lauren: no, the book case said "told ya"

Jared: OUCH

Lauren: mm hmm

Jared: this is why I don't read... books are a hazard

Lauren: lol

Jared: especially in cases

2. From Day 6...

I wanted to share a short exchange I had with my friend Sam (short for Samantha) at one of my weekly poker games last night. Sam can be described as spunky. I forget how the conversation got there, but she admitted to having a Tinkerbell t-shirt. I remarked that didn't shock me in the slightest. She said, "Because I constantly zip around the room." And I added, "And because we clap when we believe you exist."

1. From Day 12, reflecting on the death of munchkin, Mickey Carroll...

This story got me to wondering...how many munchkins are there left? The annual meeting of the Lollipop Guild probably takes up half a booth at Chuck E. Cheese now. There was another story in the news today about how Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet are paying the nursing home bills of the last remaining Titanic survivor. We're down to two Golden Girls now too. What generational icons will we have when we get to that age? I mean, I've already started the clock waiting for the cast of The Hills to die.

Shows at the DC Improv for Friday and Saturday are SOLD OUT. The only tix available are for Sunday. Get 'em while the gettin' is good.

See you tomorrow...

Two Weeks

Hey there 'Redheads... We've hit the two week mark of Blog-A-Day in May. Thanks for sticking around so far. Not a whole lot to tell you. Just got back from a sold out show at the DC Improv with Jeff Ross. I'm told the rest of the weekend is pretty much sold out except for Sunday, so get your tickets while the gettin' is good. Go to DCImprov.com for all of your ticket-buying related activities. In lieu of actual content, may I offer you some seafood...?

Lorenzo Lamas AND Debbie Gibson. That stink isn't the fish.

See you tomorrow...

Bill Blogworthy

Hey there 'Redheads... It's Day 13 of Blog-A-Day in May and, unfortunately, it's an unlucky 13 for the Washington Capitals, whose playoff hopes were flattened and melted into the ice by the zamboni of defeat.

Lucky for me, I wasn't available to witness the slapshot in the teeth the Caps took tonight, because I was at the Warner theater witnessing the majesty of rock and the mystery of roll, courtesy of Britian's loudest rock band, Spinal Tap. More specifically, their alter-ids, Harry Shearer, Michael McKean, and Christopher Guest. They were doing a largely acoustic set of songs from A Mighty Wind, Waiting For Guffman, and, of course, This Is Spinal Tap...

For those about to rock *urp* We salute you...

The show, as seen through a cataract...

Amidst the exodus of goofy white folk...

'Twas a great show. Michael McKean's wife, Annette O'Toole even made an appearance to do some guest vocals. One of the funniest bits they did was reading verbatim the material that network censors found objectionable from This Is Spinal Tap. Here's a bit of that...

Come laugh at me at the DC Improv this weekend, with Roastmaster General, Jeff Ross.

'Til tomorrow...

'Zen

Hey there 'Redheads... It's Day 12 of Blog-A-Day in May...tired of me yet? Here's hoping the answer is a big fat no. Today, I have some sad news to pass along. We're short one munchkin. Mickey Carroll, the munchkin town crier who actually says the line, "Follow the yellow brick road," is now in the Emerald City in the sky.
May a flight of winged monkeys sing thee to thy rest. This story got me to wondering...how many munchkins are there left? The annual meeting of the Lollipop Guild probably takes up half a booth at Chuck E. Cheese now. There was another story in the news today about how Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet are paying the nursing home bills of the last remaining Titanic survivor. We're down to two Golden Girls now too. What generational icons will we have when we get to that age? I mean, I've already started the clock waiting for the cast of The Hills to die.

Remember: DC Improv this week, Thursday - Sunday, with headliner Jeff Ross. Go to DCImprov.com for tix and info. Come laugh at me.

See ya tomorrow...

Eleven

Hey there 'Redheads... The Blog-A-Day in May train keeps a-rollin' 11 days strong. It's nearly as impressive as the Washington Capitals' playoff run. I just got finished watching the Cardiac Caps cheat sudden death once again to force another game 7 at Verizon Center on Wednesday. If the Caps keep this up, the fans won't have any hearts left to break if things go south. I don't know where your sports loyalties lie, but you can't do much better than the NHL playoffs right now.

While watching the game, I noticed that one of my favorite sports names is on the Penguins roster...Miroslav Satan. I'm not rooting for him, but that's a bad ass bit of stitching on the back of that jersey.

Just a quickie today...see you tomorrow...

Mother Load

Hey there, 'Redheads...  Happy Mother's Day to that special lady that spawned you.  And Happy Day 10 of Blog-A-Day in May...a greater accomplishment that labor? The jury is out.  We had a couple close calls the last two days.  I plan on picking up the slack on those two anemic posts with a robust, six-pounds-of-shit-in-a-five-pound-bag post.  And away we go...

Big thanks to the fine folks at the Harrisburg Comedy Zone for a fun weekend.  Once again, the Harrisburgers were delicious.  I went up a day early to check out the Thursday open mic that is run by comedy buddy, the hilarious Sonya King.  The show took place in the bar adjacent to the main comedy showroom.  I've been pretty lazy about getting out to open mics, and this hammered home why.  Eight comedians, including me...four audience members.  When you can tell each person in the audience their own personal joke, it's not much fun for anyone.  Everyone soldiered through with a smattering of...I think it takes at least ten hands to count as applause...this was disinterested clappery.  The comics attempted to workshop as much as we could.  It's rough for the Harrisburg comedy community.  That open mic is pretty much the only game in town for them.  I talked to a couple guys who schlep all the way to DC to get time.

Since I went up a day early, I had the extra day to kill on Friday.  No better was to shoot time in the face than going to the local mall to gawk at the locals and catch a flick.  Some good dork fare out this weekend.  I chose mutants over Klingons and plunked down my money for X-Men Origins: Wolverine. I'll resist the urge to nitpick the dorky comic book aspects of the film. From what I remember of the comics, the movie didn't butcher too much. My one major complaint was the waste of Ryan Reynolds. I've been a fan of his ever since Van Wilder. I can listen to him read the phone book and I'd be entertained. And once again he was great...for the first ten minutes of the movie, then he was just explained away while Will.I.am took a more prominent role. It's a good thing his character could teleport, because he certainly couldn't act his way out of a paper bag. My other big complaint was with the logic of the nefarious General Stryker, who makes Wolverine indestructible, by lacing his bones with a super-metal, then gives orders for his men to kill him...by cutting his head off...with a herring. Yeah, I'm a huge dork.  Two adamantium claws up.

On my way out of the theater, I saw one of the dumbest things to cross my eyes in recent months.  At a kiosk outside the multiplex, a guy was hawking electronic cigarettes...

Want cancer but hate getting judged for it? Then this handy dandy item is for you. They might as well just cut out the middle man and sell rechargeable tumors.

Big week this week.  Not only am I going to see Spinal Tap on Wednesday, I'm back at the DC Improv from Thursday to Sunday with the Roastmaster General, Jeff Ross. Click the link for tix and info.

See ya Monday...

Still on the Fritz...

Hey there 'Redheads... My laptop that I brought on the road with me is still being uncooperative (and keeps calling me "Dave" for some reason) so, I'm going to put the turd in Saturday and just pop another place holder in here so I can keep the Blog-A-Day in May streak alive. Once I get home tomorrow, I'll be fully operational again and I can properly foist my hackery upon you without any further technical impasse... Your patience is appreciated.

See you on Mudder's Day...

Technical Difficulties

Hey there 'Redheads... Sorry for the cop out post, but I'm experiencing some technical difficulties here on the road. The laptop I brought with me is having connectivity issues, so I'm writing on the office computer in the hotel. But, I wanted to keep the streak alive, so here's a small place holder post for Day 8 of Blog-A-Day in May... Rest assured, tomorrow will be super happy double stuffed installment, including a review of Wolverine, my two shows tonight here at the Harrisburg Comedy Zone, and perhaps the dumbest thing I've seen recently at the mall here...

'Til then...

And Now, These Messages...

Hey there 'Redheads... It's Day 7 of Blog-A-Day in May and I've decided to dump the number-related titles. The blog is corny enough without having to try. So, the big news of the day is the 50 game suspension of LA Dodger, Manny Ramirez for performance enhancing drugs. Considering I don't care about baseball already, the loss of one of it's most compelling players isn't going to affect me much. With all of the big name players on the juice, I think ESPN should just combine their coverage of MLB and World's Strongest Man. I know I'd tune in if the players had to drag a Cessna around the bases with their teeth after a hit.

We'll be right back after these messages...


...and we're back.

So, we're a week into this thing, and I haven't botched it yet. Remember, last year's attempt lasted 11 days. For those of you in the Harrisburg, PA area, I'll be at the Harrisburg Comedy Zone for hilarity-related activities. Click the link for info and details.

See you tomorrow...

Six Symbol

Hey there 'Redheads... I've only got an hour left to get Day 6 of Blog-A-Day in May in the books before the clock strikes midnight. Three quick things to share. Just got back from watching the Caps game at my buddy Greg's place. Simeon Varlamov is a brick wall with a head. He's the only reason the Caps didn't get outright embarrassed tonight. The second period looked like a twenty-minute long Penguin power play...seriously, can hockey be played half-rink?

Before the game, we had dinner at one of my favorite little restaurants, Roy's Place. Right in the heart of old town Gaithersburg. They offer over 200 sandwiches on the menu. I indulged in my favorite, The Dracula... Two Polish sausages wrapped in bacon, with broiled provolone cheese, buried in cole slaw & Russian dressing on French bread. Yum-a-dum dum. Yes, the heart of old town Gaithersburg is kinda plaquey.

Finally, I wanted to share a short exchange I had with my friend Sam (short for Samantha) at one of my weekly poker games last night. Sam can be described as spunky. I forget how the conversation got there, but she admitted to having a Tinkerbell t-shirt. I remarked that didn't shock me in the slightest. She said, "Because I constantly zip around the room." And I added, "And because we clap when we believe you exist."

See you tomorrow...

Cinco de Blog-o

Hey there 'Redheads... Happy Cinco de Mayo. And happy Day 5 of Blog-A-Day in May. As happy as it can be in this weather. It's another wet bag of shit day in the Washington, DC area. Hardly the sun and fun that you need when you're wearing a sombrero and washing down your tacos with a Corona. Forget the lick and the slam...today just sucks. But I'm sure that won't stop people from binge drinking in the name of Mexican independence...or whatever the hell today is supposed to commemorate. I'm worried that this is the day that the swine flu pandemic explodes...because everybody is Mexican today.

With the squeeze of lime revelry that today brings, it is tinged with some salty sadness. Last night, we lost Dom Deluise. I was never a big fan of the Cannonball Run movies. For my money, Dom's best stuff was in Mel Brooks' stuff...

There's your trifecta, by the way. Dom Deluise, Danny Gans, and Bea Arthur.

Enjoy your tequila hangovers tomorrow...see you then.

For Example...

Hey there 'Redheads... It's a dismal day 4 of Blog-A-Day in May. To cheer you up, here's an excerpt of am IM between my sister and I about my impossibly cute nephew, Moshe. Here's a quick cuteness refresher...

He fell down. Went boom. But a lesson was learned...

Lauren: yeah, don't know if mom or dad told you, he fell and banged his mouth pretty bad...

Jared: yeah, I heard that

Lauren: he was all swollen for the past two days...didn't look like our little moshe

Jared: awww... poor kid... he chip a toof?

Lauren: No, thank G-d...but he's really bruised and there are dark marks behind his 2 front teeth... the swelling went down today, but he still has a lot of bruising

Jared: that's how you learn not to stand on a rocking chair... he's wobbly enough without help

Lauren: the whole thing was so flukey... i always tell him not to stand on chairs

Jared: now the chair told him

Lauren: right

Jared: and the floor said, "told ya"

Lauren: uch, he was so sad

Jared: :o/

Lauren: no, the book case said "told ya"

Jared: OUCH

Lauren: mm hmm

Jared: this is why I don't read... books are a hazard

Lauren: lol

Jared: especially in cases

See you on Cinco...

Back to the Threeture...

Hey there 'Redheads... I'm trying my best to get this one in under the wire to keep Blog-A-Day in May chugging along. Big thanks to the great peeps at the Baltimore Comedy Factory for a fun weekend. Sometimes you want to go where everyone knows your name.

So, onto the daily nugget of nonsense. Here's the thing, and I figured this would happen at some point, I don't have much to say. So, as a cop out, I'm reaching back a year and reprinting the entry from the ill-fated Joke-A-Day in May. Enjoy the year old hackery and I'll have something for you manana...

I think it's time for movies to stop using the phrase, "From the people who brought you..." to sell a flick to the movie-going public. Judd Apatow has had one or two critically acclaimed funny movies...and alot of people were involved in bringing them to you. So, now, every piece of celluloid that has anyone from those movies attached to it is, "from the people who brought you Super Bad and Knocked Up." Just because a gaffer from one of those flicks is holding the boom mic for the next one off the Apatow assembly line doesn't make it good. Remember, the people who brought you Star Wars also shoveled Howard The Duck into theaters. It reminds me of my mail man. The same person who brings me my Urkel toaster cozy that I bought on Ebay also brings me my bills. Joy and pain. Yin and yang. Starsky and Hutch.

I think that one has legs. Short, stubby, polio-ridden legs, but it's a start. Any thoughts?

See you tomorrow...

Take Two Pillows...

Good morning, 'Redheads... It's Day 2 of Blog-A Day in May and, so far, I haven't missed a day (small victories, people). I'm working on about 3 hours of sleep after doing three shows at the Baltimore Comedy Factory last night, then having to scrape myself out of bed with a spatula to come to work this morning. I am formerly hausted. Normally, I try to work my schedule so I don't have to do the day job on a Factory weekend, but things didn't quite work out this time, so I'll be spending today shambling around like an extra in a George Romero flick (brains, anyone?...anyone?). And that last show was a complete drunken fustercluck.

Allow me to explain. First, let me say that the Factory is one of my favorite clubs. The staff is great, the place is a block away from a Five Guys, and the crowds are generally awesome. However, the Factory does two things that alot of other clubs don't...they have a late late show on Friday night and they offer all-you-can-drink tickets to entice patrons. This can create a perfect storm for drunken mayhem in the audience, making it a crapshoot for the comics stepping on stage. By "crapshoot", I meant the crowd could literally begin shooting crap at you. Basically, the crowd was too drunk to want to pay attention, and those that did thought they were participating in some sloshed McLaughlin Group, with every joke being a chance for a drunk slunt (look it up) to try to make the show all about them. Oy vey. I felt like I should've started my set with, "We, who are about to die, salute you!" But that was just last night and I needed blog material. I've also been a part of some great Friday late late shows there. Just sayin'...last night's crowd stunk out loud.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention the passing of two showbiz greats. Yesterday, Sin City lost one of it's biggest performers, Danny Gans. He died in is sleep at age 52. I never got to see Danny Gans, but whenever I was planning a trip to Vegas, my parents would always tell me to go to his show. He was a musical impressionist...not exactly my brand of vodka, but everyone tells me he was amazing...

Also, last weekend, the world lost Bea Arthur. Instead of thanking her for being a friend, I thought I'd share a rare clip of her with the late great Harvey Korman in... The Star Wars Holiday Special. I shit you not. Stick with it, she shows up about a minute in. Enjoy.

Bea, we hardly knew ye...

See you tomorrow...

One Day At a Time...

Hey there 'Redheads... Welcome to Day 1 of Blog-A-Day in May. Happy May Day. May Day is a worldwide worker's holiday...except here in the US, which is why I'm hunting and pecking this installment at work. These bloglets are going to have a stream of consciousness flow to them.

The Nigerian lady who works in the office, and has no interior monologue, just said, "I think we're making too big a deal out of this swine flu." I'm going to go ahead and file that under Statements That Don't Need To Be Said Out Loud. They actually closed a school in Rockville because of one unconfirmed case. More deaths will result from truant kids getting hit by cars, than from swine flu...just sayin'...

The other day, I saw a car with a license plate that read, "Pearl Harbor Survivor". Besides being struck with a wave of patriotism, I found it odd that she was driving a Honda Accord. Nice to see she can forgive and forget. In my wildest dreams, the car was a surprise birthday gift.

See you tomorrow...