Randy Jackson Presents: America's Next President

Hey there, 'Redheads... As most of you know, I rarely get political, mostly because I'm not that well informed and it makes my head hurt. I think that's what keeps a lot of Americans in a state of blissful political ignorance. This, however, forces certain fringe elements to focus on superficial stuff to try to get the stupid masses something shiny to latch onto and feel like they're being political (it makes sense in my head). We're a culture that's fueled on superficial gossip and pseudo-celebrity.

I bring this up because I simply can't believe that President Obama felt it necessary to give a moment of his attention to the walking comb over, Donald Trump, and his bluster about where Obama was born. In any sane society, this guy would have as much traction as a greased up Nissan Sentra on an ice rink, but because he's rich and he's on TV, people are actually listening to him. So, the president gave a statement this morning to the press and produced his Hawaii birth certificate. If you didn't hear it, allow me to paraphrase, "I don't have time for this bullshit. Here it is. Now, shut the fuck up."

If Trump is actually going to run for president in 2012 (as the Mayans predicted), I think we should just cut the bullshit and just turn the presidential race into a reality show. Hell, more people vote for American Idol than they do in a national election. Have Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul moderate the debates, then have each candidate compete in weekly political challenges to win electoral votes. I also think that Trump should be forced to have the winner of Celebrity Apprentice be his running mate. I'm pulling for Busey, myself.

See you Thursday.

Pollenized

Hey there, 'Redheads... I'm getting the blog out of the way early today because I'm pretty sure my brainbox will be completely congested with pollen by the end of the day. My head feels like it's in geosynchronous orbit with my body. Every breath has to labor through a cloud of the crap that's in my lungs. I'm tempted to cram a dustbuster up my nose, flip the switch to high, and suck out the offending particles, and if some brain matter goes with it, so be it. Anyway, I've got some random crap to tide you over until I can unclog things. Basically, whatever comes up in the lottery popper of my brain is coming out here. And away we go...

Bacon is a meat shrinky dink.

I'm fascinated by the recent viral videos of babies laughing at various things landing those babies on morning shows. Like this one...

Sure, babies are cute and you have to be an inhuman monster to not at least smile when they laugh, but there's no reason to make YouTube celebrities out of these kids. It's not fair for their 15 minutes to be up before they can even walk. Besides, they don't know what their laughing at. I'd like to make one of these videos with a baby laughing at a TV, then have the camera pan around to show that it's laughing at 2 Girls, 1 Cup.

As I drive around the DC area, I see signs that indicate three levels of traffic enforcement. There's "Traffic Photo Enforced," "Traffic Radar Enforced," and "Traffic Strictly Enforced." With the first two, you know what your getting, either a camera or a speed trap nearby. But what are you getting with "strictly enforced"? I picture a cop with a disappointed look sternly wagging his finger as you drive by. And if you do get pulled over, "Sir, please turn off your car and hand me the keys. You're in time out. You can have these back once you've learned your lesson."

See you Wednesday.

Leggo My Ego, Part Deux

Hey there, 'Redheads... Sorry for the minor hiccup in postings. As I mentioned last time, my schedule was going to be hectic and the streak might suffer. Technically, it got snapped when I went to Mardi Gras, so I'm not too worried about it. Anyway, I'm back and I've got a heaping helping of me to go around.

Roughly two weeks ago, I did a professional photo shoot from a Groupon that was about to expire. Almost makes it sound like I got glamour shots done at a local mall, but this was a real deal on-location photo shoot in Glen Echo park, with the hopes that it might produce some dynamic promotional photos to replace my almost nine year old black and white headshots. Well, I got the pictures over the weekend and I'd like to run my top five of the batch past you to maybe get some feedback. Besides, I do enjoy looking at pictures of myself. As Al Pacino said in Devil's Advocate, "Vanity is definitely my favorite sin." So, put on your water wings and let's take a dip in Lake Me. In no particular order, here are a couple of my favorites of the bunch...
This is my answer to Zoolander's Blue Steel. Note the combination of the smirk, slight squint, and smolder.

I brought a prop with me on the shoot. An empty bottle of a wine called "Irony." No, it's not a chardonnay and no, there wasn't a fly in it.

That's right, folks. I'm a rebel, but I'm also lazy. I'm breaking rules, but I'm not climbing stairs.

I'm a big fan of this shot, because of the lines created in the blurry background. Really makes my nose pop right out at you. Also, as my friend Mia put it, it makes me look, "wry, but also approachable."

You can find the rest of the pics on my Facebook fan page, conveniently located on your right. Please feel free to give some feedback. In case you haven't guessed, I enjoy a compliment.

See you Tuesday.

Oblogatory

Hey there, 'Redheads... This one is just to keep the streak alive. Not sure what's going to fill the space, but I'll come up with something. I'm typing this from the third floor and heat rises. I'd like to think it's just the heat and not that I'm horribly out of shape that's making me break a sweat while I type. Speaking of being a sweaty tub of goo, I stepped on a scale for the first time in awhile and I saw a one in the hundreds place. That gypsy curse is starting to pay off. Looks like having three flights of stairs in my house is having a positive effect. I can't lose too much weight, though. If I start looking svelt, I lose five good minutes worth of fat jokes. It's a delicate balance I'm trying to maintain. I want to be in shape, but my self-deprecation needs to be believable. As my buddy Jerry Thomas always says, "Verisimilitude."

Tomorrow, I'm going to be reminded of how old I am too. I'm going to the 15th anniversary show of Sketchup, UMD's sketch comedy group that I was a founding member of back in 1996. What's really going to make me feel ancient is the after party. Nothing makes 35 feel like 70 like attending a college kegger. I'll have a full recap at some point. I hit the road for a gig in Warwick, Rhode Island on Friday, so my blogging schedule will be all screwed up.

'Til then. See you Thursday.

Streak Free Sheen

Hey there, 'Redheads... The circus is in town, as Charlie Sheen's Violent Tirade Of Drug Addled Catchphrases Tour has wrecked its train in DC tonight. It's been roughly three weeks since he concocted this tour and the novelty of Sheen's ramblings have worn off. We're all coming to the realization that Charlie is no Gary Busey. I host a trivia night in DC on Tuesday nights and a couple people in the bar were pre-gaming before the show tonight. They said that the start time had been pushed back an hour to 9pm because Charlie had to be at a custody hearing in L.A. today. It's 10:45 right now. I've got five bucks that says the show hasn't started yet. When he does finally hit the stage, there's only a couple things that I think will hold the attention of the gawking masses. Either he juices a live tiger, then does a keg stand over the carcass, or he does a staged reading of Major League. Otherwise, people will make their way to the ticket counter and demand loudly, "Refunding!"

Apparently, Charlie's whack-job antics have rubbed off on other celebrities recently. Nicolas Cage was recently arrested for disturbing the peace at a tattoo parlor in New Orleans. That's so unlike him. Really, I'm shocked that Nicolas Cage would do such a thing...

See you Wednesday.

Passover, Then Pass Out

Hey there, 'Redheads... I've got a couple glasses of Maneschevitz in me, so this blog will be short and sweet, then it's bedtime for Bonzo. I just got back from Passover seder, one of the many times that Jews celebrate the recurring theme of, "They tried to kill us. They didn't. Let's eat." I enjoy Passover, mostly because you're required to drink four glasses of wine, but also because we get to take credit for building the pyramids. Since the seder I was at had small children present, we used a haggadah for kids. It was a bit more sing-songy, but it kept them involved. Sort of like One Fish, Two Fish , Red Fish, Gefilte Fish. It took pieces of the Passover story and made songs out of them to the tune of "Pop Goes the Weasel" or "On Top of Old Smokey." My favorite was the song about the ten plagues that was put to the tune of "If You're Happy and You Know It." That's now my second favorite song about the plagues. What's my favorite, you ask?

During the seder, it's customary to ask the four questions about why this night is different from all other nights. Well, now that it's over, I have a couple follow up questions... 1) Why does my head hurt? 2) Why did I eat so much kugel? 3) Why do I keep forgetting that I can't stand macaroons? And 4) What's the deal with gefilte fish? Personally, I think gefilte fish is people.

All questions for another day. I'm going to bed. See you Tuesday. By the way, spell check hates the Jews apparently. Just sayin'...

Friday Random Crap

Hey there, 'Redheads... Today should be Tax Day. It normally is, but we've been given the weekend to rifle through our receipts and figure out how to claim our pets as dependents. Today is also the anniversary of the assassination of Abraham Lincoln, which would make it an assassinaversary. He's been turned into one of our more badass presidents through a hodgepodge of legend and alternate histories. Either he's a vampire slayer or he's bare chested and punching a grizzly bear in the face. Regardless of how he's remembered, his message to the people has always rung true...

Party on, Abe. We hardly knew ye.

I'm usually not one to plan ahead, but I've figured out what I want to be for Halloween... And Arbor Day... And next Thursday...

Remember, if you're stuck on what to do tonight, and you're in or around downtown Bethesda...I'll be your host, along with Brian Parise, Martin Plant, and Jeff Maurer. It's FREE, because you're worth it.

See you there. And see you Monday.

See Me... Feel Me... Book Me...

Hey there, 'Redheads... This has turned into a lazy Thursday. No plans. Completely unencumbered with anything to do. And I could've gone outside and enjoyed the great weather, but no, I twiddled my thumbs on the interwebs and before I knew it, darkness had fallen with nothing to show for it except two bleary bloodshot eyes staring back at me when I happened to catch my reflection in the computer screen. At least, I hope those were my eyes. Anyway, I decided to fill up this space with some of my upcoming comedy gigs, so if you wanted to see me live and in person, or if you wanted to know how better to avoid me, that info would be at your eager little fingertips. Also, any comedy bookers out there who crave my brand of mild amusement, this information can better help you find out when I might be available to trade some funny for some money.

And away we go:
APRIL 15 (TOMORROW NIGHT): At the Barking Dog in Bethesda, MD for a District Live Comedy Event with Brian Parise, Martin Plant, and Jeff Maurer
APRIL 22 & 23: At the Comedy Zone in Warwick, RI
APRIL 28-30: At the Baltimore Comedy Factory, opening for Bill Bellamy
MAY 20 & 21: At the Comedy Zone in Myrtle Beach, SC
JUNE 10 & 11: At Moxie's in Statesville, NC
JUNE 24 & 25: At the Comedy Zone in Lynchburg, VA
JULY 8 & 9: At the Comedy Zone in Harrisburg, PA

See you Friday. And hopefully at some of these shows. C'mon, people.

Newsish

Hey there, 'Redheads... Here's hoping hump day treated you better than Barry Bonds. Today, the asterisked home run king was found guilty of Obstruction of Justice, specifically lying to a grand jury about knowingly taking steroids. When he heard the verdict, his reaction was, "BARRY BONDS SMASH!" I'm not sure what he expected. Basically, his defense had been carefully crafted by a team of six year-olds, who advised him to plead "NUH-UH!". Previously, he had stated that he didn't know what he was taking. Well, here's a hint. When your head grows and your balls shrink, you're not taking Flintstones chewables. So, now some federal prison softball team is going to get a hell of a lot better.

There are two awesome nerdly items I found on the interwebs today. Here's the first... It's the blue canary in the outlet by the light switch who watches over you. If you'd like to make a little birdhouse in your soul, it's a mere $12.99 over at ThinkGeek.com. The other bit of awesome comes at the 2:10 mark of the video below...

Game Reviews - E3 2011 - The Feed

That's right, folks. Some dude in Oklahoma is building an AT-AT. The news is made all the more awesome coming out from perky eye candy, Sara Underwood. I dare say it would be equally as cool if I heard it from Ed Asner. Let's not let the messenger distract us from the fact that there's an AT-AT under construction in Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweeping down the plain. All I'm saying is, once it's completed, two words come to mind: Road. Trip.

See you Thursday.

Trivial Pursuits

Hey there, 'Redheads... I'm beat. I've got very little in me to blog about right now and I could curl up on the floor and fall asleep, I'm so tired.

There's one reader out there that I'll get no sympathy from, and that's my buddy Nick, who, pending confirmation, just smashed the world record for Longest Quizmaster Marathon. He stayed up 34 hours to do it, asking a question a minute. I was there for five of those hours last night to help out with scoring. I'll tell you what the biggest issue was for me in that time, so I can only imagine what it was like for the people who went the whole way, was swamp ass. You have to pace yourself and make sure you air things out every half hour or so. My favorite moment from last night, after the question was asked, "Who was the oldest of the Marx Brothers?", I overheard a member of one of the teams wonder aloud, "Was Steve a Marx Brother?" Maybe I was just giddy, but I laughed about that for awhile. The winning team, El Guapo, took home a cool $1000 in ones. That's making it rain money. I just got off the phone with Nick, and he told me that after 34 hours, the winning score came down to just seven points. Very cool. Congrats to everyone involved.

See you Wednesday.

Weekend Roundup

G'morning, 'Redheads... I'm bright-eyed, bushy tailed, and I'm lying to you about those first two things, but I'm at the very least awake and able to type. I have to get this blog on the books early today, because my evening is spoken for and I can't guarantee I'll be home by midnight to keep the streak alive. Why so busy on a Monday night, you ask? Well, starting at noon today, the trivia arm of the entertainment company I work with, District Entertainment, is attempting to break the world record for the Longest Quizmaster Marathon at Caddie's in Bethesda. The previous record is 32 hours and 15 minutes, so if all goes well, we'll be finishing up tomorrow night at 8:00ish. I'm not the lead question asker, but I'll be there assisting after I take my nose off the grindstone. If you want to wrangle a team to try to win the top prize of $1000, click here for all the details.

Since I don't have a Monday's worth of blather to blog about, I need to tap into my weekend reserves. On Saturday, I met up with pals, Chris, Allyson, and Eric to check out the Blessing of the Fleets at the Navy Memorial, where water from the seven seas is poured into the fountain in a ceremony to make sure our naval forces sail smoothly this year. Afterwards, the crowd was treated to Navy Bean soup, prepared by the White House Mess, which, with a little Texas Pete's hot sauce, was delicious. They also gave out boxes of Presidential M&M's. Needless to say, I went through the line twice. Before the ceremony, we got a picture with the Naval Academy mascot, Bill the Goat.We figured we had filled our costume photo quota, but as we walked through Penn Quarter, we ran into famed crime dog, McGruff.We felt safer knowing he was on whatever case there was to be on. Sniffing the butt of justice. When you get one picture with a mascot, it's fun and random. Once we got two, it became a mission to complete the set. Luckily for us, the Sakura Matsuri Japanese Street Festival was going on nearby. Not only did it seem like a fun thing to check out, but we knew it would be a treasure trove of freaks in costume. It did not disappoint...We also missed the chance to get a picture with a Japanese NASCAR driver. A novelty to be sure, but he didn't meet our arbitrary qualifications of a cartoonishly large head and unblinking eyes. Aside from the anime, there was all manner of Japanese culture spread out over several blocks, from calligraphy to samurai sword demonstrations. Well worth the $5 admission. And all of the proceeds went toward tsunami relief, so we could feel good about ourselves to go along with our sushi. Good times.

See you Tuesday. Or at the big trivia event tonight.

Three Fiddy

Hey there, 'Redheads... Welcome to the 350th installment of the blog. Yes, these arbitrary milestones are coming fast and furious since I started my consecutive weekdaily streak. I want to assure you that the blog will continue despite the impending government shutdown. I managed to secure funding through a grant from Matthew Lesko. For some reason, every time I hear about the government shutting down, I picture President Obama throwing a giant Frankenstein switch at midnight and the backlight on the display case of the Constitution going dim.

Many people, rightfully so, are in an uproar about shutdown, especially regarding the halting of services, like trash removal. Other people, like myself, are giddy that we'll be able to park anywhere in the city for free. Anyone want to put a wager on when the plague starts making a comeback? A friend of mine started a grassroots movement on Facebook in response to the shutdown, that appears to have garnered some national media attention. It's called "If Boehner shuts down the government I am taking my trash to his house". As of right now, over 6,000 people have RSVP'd for it. If you're interested in making John Boehner look like an orange Oscar the Grouch, click here for all the details.

I'm not a political guy. Trying to understand the Rube Goldberg inner workings of our government makes my head hurt. But I'm pretty sure, when I wake up tomorrow, the streets of DC aren't going to look like a scene out of Mad Max just because a bunch of politicians decided to take their ball and go home.

See you Monday, unless we stop observing time between now and then. Hey, clocks cost money.

Reviewery

Hey there, 'Redheads... I just got back from seeing a creepy little flick called Insidious. I can now cross the first item off of the "Things To Do While The Girlfriend Is Away" list. Do yourself a favor and check this movie out before it fades away into the ether of Netflix. It's worth checking out in the theater. I say this, despite the fact that I saw it for free. I would've been perfectly satisfied parting ways with ten bucks. To describe it in one sentence: Imagine if Sam Raimi directed Poltergeist. In fact, the movie very much reminds me of Raimi's recent return to the horror genre, Drag Me To Hell. Both films do a great job of taking you on a sonic roller coaster ride. The music and sound cues in the movie really add the extra jolt to the scares. And it does a great job with pacing, drawing you in with hints of a shadowy reflection, then BAM! Demonface. It's an original twist on the typical haunting/demonic possession stories that are in style right now. No "found footage". No shaky camera work. Just a well executed premise. My only complaint was that I saw the twist ending coming, but it was still fun to see it play out.

Next on my list is Your Highness, which looks like it might have the chops to be uttered (or rather, exhaled) in the same breath as another Raimi classic, Army of Darkness.

Here's hoping.

Until then, the balcony is closed. See you Friday.

Rock Out

Hey there, 'Redheads... I'm getting to the blog a little late today. I just got done rocking out in my car on the drive home from hosting my weekly trivia night in Bethesda. Some of you may have heard of my buddy, comedy dynamo, Justin Schlegel. Even though he just moved out to LA to seek fame and fortune, he hasn't forgotten his old bay sprinkled roots back in Baltimore. In fact, he hosts the night-time show on 98Rock from his new digs in la-la-land. Anyway, I get in my car about ten minutes to 11, looking forward to Mandatory Metallica to provide the soundtrack to my aggressive driving. Well, Mr. Schlegel got the Metall-itch a little early, and treated us to this little ditty to wet our metal whistle. Extend your devil horns, crank up your speakers, and let your face melt like a fine fondue...

That was followed by two killer tracks off of Death Magnetic (that whole album is great), Suicide and Redemption and The End of the Line. Great ride home, is all I'm saying.

I neglected to mention that I am honey-less for roughly two weeks, as my girlfriend is away on a business trip. I miss her, but the toilet seat is where it's supposed to be. Up. And it's staying there. I wish I could say that my fart quotient has gone up, but I pretty much let loose regardless and blame it on a mysterious duck. Another gross habit that I engage in, with or without her, is picking my belly button. It is a never ending source of lint. It's like someone put me together at the Build-A-Bear Workshop. When the weather gets hotter, I'll be a walking dryer fire hazard.

See you Thursday.

Tuesday Random Crap

Hey there, 'Redheads... I hope this blog finds you well on a blustery Tuesday night. I'm still waiting on the footage from the Improv, so I give you another random pull from the lottery popper in my head.

One thing I neglected to mention in my brief recap of my weekend at the DC Improv, was the number of British people that came to the shows. Apparently, the exchange rate on my jokes is pretty good. I must've shook hands and exchanged pleasantries with at least a half dozen people who sounded like Russell Brand.

I would also be remiss if I didn't mention the NCAA Championship game that was contested last night between the Butler Bulldogs and the UConn Huskies. It made sense that two dog teams were playing because that game was a steaming pile. The only thing uglier is Verne Lundquist's jowls in HD. I was disappointed that Butler lost because I was looking forward to all of the hack sports headlines, like "BUTLER DID IT!" or "HUSKIES SERVED LOSS BY BUTLER" or "BUTLER CLEANS UP". Alas, those dreams were dashed. Man, Butler shot horribly. I heard one stat that they were 1 for 25 from the paint. That's only one more basket than I had and I didn't even play. I was an inside presence for Butler from my couch. There were fewer bricks thrown during the L.A. riots in '92 (Google it). Overall it was a great tournament, but that game was a crappy way to cap things off.

That's all I got. See you Wednesday.

Back to Earth

Hey there, 'Redheads... I'm recovering from a comedy hangover today after a stellar sold out weekend at the DC Improv with the World Champion, Judah Friedlander. Thanks to Allyson, Melba, Luis, Morgan, and the rest of the crackerjack staff for making it feel like home. And thanks to everyone who came out to laugh at me. I've said it before and I'll say it again, DC Improv crowds are a gift. They're smart, with it, quick on the uptake, and generally willing to go wherever you want to take them. Sure, they can be a little uptight sometimes, but that makes the laughs you get from them all the sweeter. Afterward, I got some of the best post-show reaction I've ever gotten. People who don't go to a lot of comedy shows always seem genuinely surprised that the MC and feature are any good. One guy got a picture with me and told me he was adding me to a blog he writes about his favorite comedians. I shook a lot of hands and got some mileage out of the giant tub of hand sanitizer in the green room. My ego will be slowly re-entering Earth's atmosphere over the next few days.

I also had the pleasure of working with the very funny Laura Prangley. It was pretty cool that all three comics on the bill were from the area. Laura is from Olney, I grew up in Silver Spring, and Judah is from Gaithersburg. Laura was nice enough to record a couple of my sets on her flip cam. I should be getting something postable at some point this week, but here are some pictures of me on stage in the meantime... More to come. See you Tuesday.

Pity the Fool

Hey there, 'Redheads... Once again, I'm getting to blog activities early because I'll be neck deep in the adulation of strangers tonight. If you still want to come see me at the DC Improv this weekend with Judah Friedlander, the only tickets left are for the Sunday 8pm show. No foolin'. The rest of the weekend is completely sold out. Enough of the shameless self-promotion. That's not what you came here for. Why are you here, exactly? Don't answer that. Best not to question why. Don't look a gift reader in the mouth. And I'm not going to try to pull any lame April Fool's Day pranks on you either. Everything has been done. Besides, everyone I know is so jaded and skeptical that I'd pretty much have to fake my own death to get a reaction out of them. That's too much work. And what even counts as a prank anymore? I've seen some of these prank shows on MTV and all of them boil down to waking someone out of a dead sleep, scaring the shit out of them, and/or kicking them in the nuts. No real planning, just taking advantage of a sleeping target. Like fishing with a hand grenade. Sure, there's a big payoff, but it's too easy. This, on the other hand, is one of the best YouTube-era pranks I've ever seen...

Then there's the flipside of the heightened prank paranoia that today brings. When people tell you actual true things and you refuse to believe them because you don't want to get had. I checked back in the blog archives and I don't think I've shared this anecdote with you, but exactly three years ago, my buddy Seth called me to tell me that his wife was pregnant with their second child. Seth is like family to me, so I was very happy for him and I was psyched to be an uncle-by-proxy again. I wished him a hearty congratulations, then we hung up. Then I realized what day it was. I called him back and got his voicemail and I left him a message something along the lines of, "Ha ha, very funny. Way to toy with my emotions, ya prick." He called back and tried to convince me, but I would have none of it, because he's the kind of guy that would take a joke that far at my expense. I took me until his son was born for me to finally believe him. See you Monday. If you make it out to the Improv, stop by and say hi after the show.