Sunday, June 28, 2009


Hey there 'Redheads... Wow, what a week. We haven't seen a celebrity whack-a-mole like this in quite some time. Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, and now Billy Mays are all preparing for the inevitable zombie uprising on the wrong team. Ed and Farrah were no surprise as both were in failing health. Michael was shocking but not surprising. The one that got me was Billy Mays. Has anyone checked on the whereabouts of Vince, the ShamWow guy? Speaking of which, I just found this gem...

Billy, we hardly knew ye... You were only available for a limited time.

I'm not going to do a bunch of jokes about the recently deceased...last week tore a chunk out of the pop culture iconography that I grew up with. Ed McMahon did wonders for my self-esteem, always letting me know that I might already be a winner. A lot of people don't realize or remember that he hosted the television talent competition of the 80's and 90's. Before reality television brought us American Idol, Last Comic Standing, and America's Next Top Model, there was Star Search. He also raised the role of second banana to an art form on the Tonight Show. I got a chance to meet Ed McMahon back during my DC101 morning radio days, he sat right across the console from where I was. Nice guy. He favored us with a short song, that they still use to close the show. It went, "The day is closed. Another day is gone from us. It's gone away. It'll be back tomorrow though. We'll celebrate. Ho-ho. Ho-ho..." Here's to ya, Ed.

Despite being oddly unaffected by the sudden news of Michael Jackson's death, I couldn't help but add to outpouring of memories and catchy status updates that flooded Facebook on Friday. Here are a couple pretty cool Michael Jackson mash-ups...

Sandman's Scream (MJ vs. Metallica)

Only Billie (MJ vs. NIN)

The one memory of Michael Jackson that I have that's worth sharing, is from back in 1987. This was right when he was teetering on the precipice of androgyny. I was watching his 3-D movie, Captain EO at Epcot Center. When MJ stepped on screen, I remember thinking, "I didn't realize Sigourney Weaver was in this movie..."

On the lighter side of the news, I was checking out one of my favorite irreverent t-shirt websites, They let people submit ideas and they turn the ones they like into stuff you can wear, while giving credit and royalties to whoever thought it up. Well, turns out they liked one of mine...

Voila! My idea splattered on a shirt. Pretty cool, huh? Morbid, but cool. If you'd like to wear some of this fresh to death irony, click here.

To be continued...

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Friday, June 19, 2009

No Animals Were Harmed...

Hey there 'Redheads... It's Friday night, and what better way to kickstart the weekend than sit here in my boxers and type out a quick blog, while my Chipotle steak fajita burrito prepares to reenact the escape scene from Shawshank Redemption? That's right, there is no better way. So, I don't know if you caught this banner headline, but President Obama finally got tired of all the buzz around him...

After the interview, President Obama won the All Valley Karate Tournament. Good to see the President is keeping his swat hand strong. Is anyone else bothered by the fact that CNBC is using the BREAKING NEWS graphic here, by the way? If he pointed to the camera and said, "You're next, Kim Jong Il," then maybe that would qualify. Aside from being a funny little unscripted presidential moment, who gives a damn? You guessed it. PETA. They're pissed because Obama didn't cup it in his hands and release it like a dung-eating dove. C'mon PETA, did you expect him to open negotiations or something? I'd like to take a quick moment to congratulate myself for not using the phrase "no fly zone"'re welcome. You'd think PETA would have bigger leafy green things on its plate, what with trying to make fish cuter... This is from the PETA website:

Would people think twice about ordering fish sticks if they were called sea kitten sticks? Learn more about our ingenious campaign to save fish by changing their names.

Well, first of all, we still eat hush puppies, so I don't think a cutesy name is going to keep me from a tuna sandwich. I'm a big fan of, "our ingenious campaign to save fish by changing their names..." Howabout we change PETA's name. Would people think twice about ignoring them if they were called Self-Righteous Douche Puppets? Or maybe we can just reword everything PETA says to make it sound like the teacher from Charlie Brown. Not a sermon, just a hastily put together thought.

I want to remind you guys about a kick ass show this Father's Day Sunday at Union Jack's in Bethesda. Jake Young, Mike Way, Jeff Maurer, Jon Mumma, and yours truly as your host, spread the joy starting at 7:30. This show is FREE. Click here for all the deets.

See ya there...

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Monday, June 15, 2009

Like Old Times...

Hey there 'Redheads... It appears I've fallen back to my familiar blogging tendencies. Two entries by mid-month? For shame. Sorry gang. I'll try to step it up in the second half. It just occurred to me that this is pretty much the midpoint of the year. Any thoughts? Candor? Reflections? Anecdotes? Remembrances? Recollections? Thesaurus? Confessions?... None? Ok then. Thanks for pitching in. Luckily, I've got a couple musings of at least this past weekend that I can share.

Big thanks to my pals at Cozzy's Comedy Club in Newport News, Va. for yet another funtastic weekend. Sometimes you want to go where everyone knows your name. I'm a big fan of any club who'll lower their property value by putting my picture on the wall. This time around, I worked with the affable James Sibley. I'm always amazed at how much some audience members want to try to "help" the show. Apparently, while I was on stage for the Friday show, a lady patron approached James and offered him a joke book for him to leaf through and pick out a couple gems for his set. He politely declined, but this miffed her something terrific. She sat, arms folded, with a frown etched on her face for the first ten minutes of his act, before she realized that everyone else was laughing at his original material, and she finally gave way. Once she heard that none of his bits started with, "Knock knock." I know it's tough, people, but please leave the comedy to the professionals. We get paid for a reason...a nebulous reason, but a reason nonetheless. While his portion of the show was going on, I sat at the bar and took a peek at the muted sports on the TV. I spotted two new names to add to my list of quirky favorites. Just to let you know, my birthday is fast approaching, so a perfect gift would be the jersey of Philadelphia Phillies pitcher, Antonio Bastardo. Or maybe New York Mets pitcher, J.J. Putz. Fitting, any way you slice it.

A couple other things I spotted during my trip to Newport News. On Rte. 64, I saw a girl driving a car, with her foot sticking out of the driver's side window. I guess they were holding Cirque du Soleil tryouts or something. There is nothing quite like the open road, with the radio cranked up, and the wind whistling between your toes. I also saw an ice cream truck that had a peculiar word of warning on the back of it. It read, "Don't skid on the kids." Which implies, don't bother watching out for nearby children, as long as you have good traction.

On my Saturday, I found myself at a massive local area flea market. This place had just about every used chotchke you could think of. I stumbled on one vendor who specialized in old video game systems. This guy had them all, from Atari to Dreamcast to old school Nintendo. I got pounded by a wave of nostalgia. I found myself trying to figure out how much my childhood was worth. I wasn't going to take much of a nudge to send me tumbling down the rabbit hole in my head and into that magical time when Donkey Kong and Pac-Man could quell my fledgling ADD. I ended up settling for something called an Atari Flashback, which was a simple plug and play system with about a dozen Atari games programmed into it. Fifteen bucks seemed like a bargain for the hours of entertainment that lay ahead of me. Funny thing about those ghosts of pixel past. They get obliterated by the crossed streams of today's seizure-inducing gamery. Once the candy veneer of my memories got chipped off, the amount of suction the Atari Flashback produced damn near ripped a hole in time. How were we ever captivated by this dreck? Aside from the untouchable classics like Asteroid or Centipede, the rest of the menu was just a random flashing and beeping through the carpal tunnel of frustration with no conceivable objective to be reached other than the realization that I paid $15 to find out my childhood stunk. Thanks flea market. Next time I'll just settle for the cursed monkey paw.

For those of you who are in a fix as to what to get your dad for Father's Day, might I recommend the gift of laughter? On Sunday, June 21st @ Union Jack's in Bethesda, I'm hosting a FREE comedy show. Four of DC's funniest, Jake Young, Mike Way, Jeff Maurer, and Jon Mumma will be spreading the joy. Show starts at 7:30. Click here for more info.

To be continued...

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Sunday, June 07, 2009


Hey there 'Redheads... We're a week deep in June, and I figured I'd taken enough of a breather after May's month long mild amusement machine. So, here I am again without much to say, and more words than necessary to say it. I've got the Tony's on as a background distraction. If you're among the five other people watching it, I hope you saw this highlight...

Gotta love YouTube. Yes, that was Poison's Bret Michaels getting dropped like a contestant's standards on Rock of Love Truckstop. By the way, that trickling sound you hear is the last bit of his smelted heavy metal cred drizzling down the drain.

The big news of the last week was the loss of actor, David Carradine, under suspicious circumstances. He was found hung in his Bangkok hotel room, and some say he died from auto erotic asphyxiation. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. If you're going to choke yourself while you masturbate, have a spotter. I'm sure you can find someone else in Bangkok who's into that sort of thing. It's a sad loss, but luckily he left behind a long list of work. For my generation, he's probably best known for the Kill Bill flicks, so I gave them a viewing in remembrance. I fell asleep while watching Volume One in bed, which explains why my dreams had subtitles...and a blood geyser...and Sonny Chiba as the Cowardly Lion.

That's all for now...see ya in a few.

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