Shiva H. Vishnu

Hey there, 'Redheads... The internet is a strange wonderful cornucopia stuffed with all kinds crazy crap... That metaphor kind of lost steam there, but trust me, the guys operating the "Batshit Crazy Video" chute at the Internet Factory have churned out a glorious nugget of awesome. Enjoy...

I, for one, welcome our new Indian overlords. It's like someone took Blue Man Group, Jackass, and the cast of Slumdog Millionaire, put them in the Street Fight match between Shane McMahon and Kurt Angle at the 2001 King of the Ring (google it). The sheer terror on the female judge's face looks like she got a glimpse of the Ark of the Covenant. Speaking of which, the only thing that would've made this video better is if this happened at the end...

Bravo, Internet... Bravo...

See Me... Feel Me... Book Me...

Hey there, 'Redheads... This has turned into a lazy Thursday. No plans. Completely unencumbered with anything to do. And I could've gone outside and enjoyed the great weather, but no, I twiddled my thumbs on the interwebs and before I knew it, darkness had fallen with nothing to show for it except two bleary bloodshot eyes staring back at me when I happened to catch my reflection in the computer screen. At least, I hope those were my eyes. Anyway, I decided to fill up this space with some of my upcoming comedy gigs, so if you wanted to see me live and in person, or if you wanted to know how better to avoid me, that info would be at your eager little fingertips. Also, any comedy bookers out there who crave my brand of mild amusement, this information can better help you find out when I might be available to trade some funny for some money.

And away we go:
APRIL 15 (TOMORROW NIGHT): At the Barking Dog in Bethesda, MD for a District Live Comedy Event with Brian Parise, Martin Plant, and Jeff Maurer
APRIL 22 & 23: At the Comedy Zone in Warwick, RI
APRIL 28-30: At the Baltimore Comedy Factory, opening for Bill Bellamy
MAY 20 & 21: At the Comedy Zone in Myrtle Beach, SC
JUNE 10 & 11: At Moxie's in Statesville, NC
JUNE 24 & 25: At the Comedy Zone in Lynchburg, VA
JULY 8 & 9: At the Comedy Zone in Harrisburg, PA

See you Friday. And hopefully at some of these shows. C'mon, people.

Storm of Brain

Hey there 'Redheads... Welcome back to Blogust... And welcome to any new readers who found me through DCBlogs.com. Apparently, the last installment got picked up on their feed because they deemed mini-golf, dinosaurs, and large blocks of styrofoam to be awesome. I won't argue with good taste.

I meant to squeeze another installment into July, but the power outage from that apocalyptic storm we had tear through here last week threw a flying monkey wrench into my plans. It's tough to blog from Amish country. At one point, I removed the buttons from my remote control because they were too proud. Not only did I lose power for the better part of three days, but the jolt that knocked out the power also blew out the motor on my refrigerator. When the lights finally did come back on, I was greeted by a stench that could've knocked a buzzard off a shit wagon. All the food I had in there was more spoiled than Paris Hilton's chihuahua. So, in order to prevent a hazmat team from quarantining my condo, I double bagged a hefty, put on some gloves, and dug a mass grave for all of my perished perishables. I'm pretty sure I heard a voice say, "Zuul". By the way, a great name for a band: Hot Dairy. They'd be a funk band, of course. I realize that all this was a minor inconvenience compared to some of the actual catastrophe that was wrought by this swift but powerful storm. I could've lived here...Luckily, the family that lived here was on vacation at the time. Good thing they're used to hotel living. Yeesh. What is up with the weather around here? It's calmed down in the last couple of days, but we went through a stretch where it was 112 in the shade, then there was an earthquake, then a storm that's like a tornado fucked a hurricane hits from out of nowhere. Would you be surprised by locusts at this point? Because I wouldn't be. God must've gotten a parking ticket in Bethesda or something.

After dealing with all of that mess, I welcomed a weekend performing at one of my favorite clubs, the Baltimore Comedy Factory. Charm City is always good to me and this slate of shows was no exception. Big thanks to Cara and the crackerjack staff for they do to make a shlub like me feel at home. I got a chance to work with the very funny Drew Fraser. It was fun to watch him work because our vocal styles are so different. Stand-up comedy is alot like surfing. Instead of water, we ride waves of laughter that ripple out from the main joke with tag lines and vocal cues. With each wave, you try to add something that'll keep the ripples flowing. Drew creates a tsunami with screaming. I've not heard a comic that loud since Sam Kinison. He conducted a cacophonous symphony that was fun to watch, if a little painful to listen to. The audience was gasping for breath at one point. Another fun side note to the weekend was that Otakon, the anime convention, was in town, so I got to see socially awkward types with patchy facial hair dressed like Link from Legend of Zelda mingle with the usual freaks that roam Baltimore's streets. It was an odd cross section of humanity.

I'll leave you with this fun little ditty...

If you're not giggling, you're not human.

To be continued...

Snow Means Snow...

Hey there 'Redheads... Remember, in the last installment, when I told everyone to just get a hold of yourselves, and not give the impending snow an imposing name because it would only serve in blowing everything out of proportion? Well, upon further review... RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!! Ok, nature, we get it. Enough with the cold fluffy death from above. I wasn't in town for the brunt of it, but I was watching the Georgetown game on ESPN and they kept showing exterior shots of the Verizon Center. 30+ inches in some places. You know it's a lot of snow when it's not safe to let midgets roam free. And now, we need to brace ourselves for potentially 20 inches or more. If this next storm maxes out, snowplows aren't going to cut it. We're going to need AT-ATs. When nature flexes it's muscle, why fight it? I think it's a great chance to appreciate the beauty behind the brute force. This morning I saw where the weight of the snow had brought down a tree on top of a speed camera. Now that's fuckin' beautiful. Clock that, you asshole.

Like I mentioned, I was able to skip town before the area got completely frost bitten. I made it down I-95 to one of my favorite comedy clubs, Cozzy's in Newport News, VA. I wasn't able to escape the weather entirely. We got torrential rain, which turned to snow, which turned to ice. No major accumulations, but just enough to make residents lose their minds. In order to keep from going completely stir crazy in my room that didn't have a functional remote control, I ventured out to the local multiplex. The only thing that was starting when I showed up was Avatar. I wasn't keen on seeing it, but any port in a storm. I had heard all the reviews... 3-D visuals with a 2-D story. I'll admit it. The 3-D was pretty cool. A pinata from which an endless stream of eye candy spilled. I'm pretty sure I got eyeabetes. My left eye was a bleary bloodshot mess after mainlining nearly 3 hours of smurftastic special effects. It was not ungood...

Not Cameron's best, by a long shot, but it will change the way you watch movies...they'll be more expensive now.

Once the weekend fun was done, I had to make the trek back home. I was moving at a pretty brisk clip, until I reached the rain/snow line near Fredricksburg. I-95 was a caked on mess. It was so pock marked with potholes, you'd think it had been renamed Edward James Olmos highway. The last 40 miles of my trip took roughly 2 hours, but I made it home to find a parking space carved out and my power and heat running. Not only that, but I got home in time to warm my cockles by watching my Terps beat the tar out of North Carolina. Coupled with a great win for the Caps, that would normally be a great sports weekend, but there was still the Super Bowl left to play. I enjoyed the game. It was close, there were some great signature plays, and the Colts lost, so I was happy... The one thing that irked me was the combined point total, and that it wasn't higher than the age of the band playing halftime. Seriously, The Who have been around longer than the Super Bowl. The ads were ok. Nothing really stood out among the talking babies and the screaming chickens.

After you dig out of the snowverkill, come dig me in Charm City this weekend...Print out this coupon and drinks are on the house...Bask in the warm glow of mild amusement.

To be continued...

Take Two Pillows...

Good morning, 'Redheads... It's Day 2 of Blog-A Day in May and, so far, I haven't missed a day (small victories, people). I'm working on about 3 hours of sleep after doing three shows at the Baltimore Comedy Factory last night, then having to scrape myself out of bed with a spatula to come to work this morning. I am formerly hausted. Normally, I try to work my schedule so I don't have to do the day job on a Factory weekend, but things didn't quite work out this time, so I'll be spending today shambling around like an extra in a George Romero flick (brains, anyone?...anyone?). And that last show was a complete drunken fustercluck.

Allow me to explain. First, let me say that the Factory is one of my favorite clubs. The staff is great, the place is a block away from a Five Guys, and the crowds are generally awesome. However, the Factory does two things that alot of other clubs don't...they have a late late show on Friday night and they offer all-you-can-drink tickets to entice patrons. This can create a perfect storm for drunken mayhem in the audience, making it a crapshoot for the comics stepping on stage. By "crapshoot", I meant the crowd could literally begin shooting crap at you. Basically, the crowd was too drunk to want to pay attention, and those that did thought they were participating in some sloshed McLaughlin Group, with every joke being a chance for a drunk slunt (look it up) to try to make the show all about them. Oy vey. I felt like I should've started my set with, "We, who are about to die, salute you!" But that was just last night and I needed blog material. I've also been a part of some great Friday late late shows there. Just sayin'...last night's crowd stunk out loud.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention the passing of two showbiz greats. Yesterday, Sin City lost one of it's biggest performers, Danny Gans. He died in is sleep at age 52. I never got to see Danny Gans, but whenever I was planning a trip to Vegas, my parents would always tell me to go to his show. He was a musical impressionist...not exactly my brand of vodka, but everyone tells me he was amazing...

Also, last weekend, the world lost Bea Arthur. Instead of thanking her for being a friend, I thought I'd share a rare clip of her with the late great Harvey Korman in... The Star Wars Holiday Special. I shit you not. Stick with it, she shows up about a minute in. Enjoy.

Bea, we hardly knew ye...

See you tomorrow...

It Begins...

Hey there 'Redheads... I wanted to squeeze one last installment into April, since this month has been so sparse. I do plan to pick up the slack. As some of you might remember, I am a fan of the occasional stunt blog. So, I'd like to announce my latest attempt to boost readership, Blog-A-Day in May. Last year, I tried Joke-A-Day in May, which lasted about 10 days before it sputtered and went kaput. I think I can keep this one going...for at least that long. We'll see. So, everyday in May, you'll get a quickie that'll either be a random nugget or a recap from my comedy travels...basically, what you usually get, just not spaced weeks apart.

The hysteria du jour is the dreaded swine flu...the pig plague...the pork pandemic. The CDC recently quarantined three houses. One was made of straw, one was made of wood, and the other was made of brick. I'm not worried about contracting swine flu. Not because there are only 100 cases in the entire country of 300 million people, but because I've vaccinated myself...with 10cc of bacon fat. I latest wrinkle in this story is that Orthodox Jews have taken offense to the name "swine flu", because pigs aren't kosher. This makes no sense to me. Maybe if it was called "swine kampf", then I could see why it would be offensive.

I found this little gem on YouTube the other day and I thought I'd share. Enjoy...

I'm at the Baltimore Comedy Factory this weekend with Reverend Bob Levy, from the Howard Stern Show. This kicks off my seven week comedy mini-tour. I'm in Harrisburg next weekend and the DC Improv after that. If you plan to swing by the Factory this weekend, drinks are on me...


See you tomorrow...

Maddening

Hey there, 'Redheads... Greetings from beyond the flowing rivers of green beer and vomit. I hope everyone had a Happy St. Viviana's Day...never heard of it? That's probably because I just made it up. She's the patron saint against hangovers and headaches...so, who better to name the day after St. Patrick's Day for? I'd like to nominate someone else for patron sainthood (can a Jew do that?). I think Jack Bauer should be the patron saint of badasses. I watched Jack kill a man, then start up a truck with the same bloody screwdriver. Somebody call Vince from the ShamWow and SlapChop commercials, because I've got a feeling the StabStart is gonna be bigger than the Snuggie. By the way, if the blog seems mintier than usual, it's because this blogging session is being fueled by Girl Scout Thin Mints. That's right, Thin Mints, making poops smell like altoids since 1980.

So, I should break a small bit of crappy comedy news to you. You may remember in an earlier installment, when I was touting an upcoming feature spot at the DC Improv. Yeah, well...turns out I've been bumped from that stratosphere back down to earthly hosting duties. The headliner is bringing his own guy to feature. No worries, though...it'll still be a fun slate of sold-out shows...just less of me. Me concentrate. So, come check out less of me May 14-17 with Roastmaster General, Jeff Ross. Click the link for tix and info.

And thanks to everyone who came out to the shows at the Baltimore Comedy Factory last weekend. Apparently, people that I don't know either read the blog or stalk me on Facebook, because plenty of printed out coupons with my name on them showed up and I didn't recognize any of the drunken masses as they filed past me and ignored my attempts to sell CDs. So, here's to my supposed fan base.

Congrats to my Terps for squeaking their way into the big dance. They kick off what'll hopefully be a deep run in the tourney on Thursday. Here's the thing with having them in the tourney...I have to try to fill out my brackets without seeming disloyal. If they play up to their potential, they can beat anyone in the country, so it might be easy to justify a national title run, but I have to bet with my head instead of my heart. I'd love to see a UMD/Morgan St. rematch in the championship game, but that's just not gonna happen. The 2009 brackets might as well be pinned on a dart board this year. Any one of about ten teams could conceivably win it all. Once the games tip off, I fully expect my brackets to collapse like a game of Jenga in the Parkinson's ward. Heck, this year the tourney could be won by Stone Cold Steve Austin, who will be playing Syracuse 5 on 1...he gets a steel chair, of course. And this year, President Obama has filled out a Baracket. I think he picked UNC to win it all. As a country, we better hope they do because I think he bet the bailout money on it.

In case you care, here's my Final Four prediction:

MIDWEST REGION: WAKE FOREST
WEST REGION: MEMPHIS
EAST REGION: PITT
SOUTH REGION: SYRACUSE
CHAMPIONSHIP GAME: WAKE vs. SYRACUSE
NCAA CHAMPION: SYRACUSE

Book it. Let the games begin.

Addendum

Hey there 'Redheads... I was thinking that the last blog installment was self-absorbed and self-important. What's that? ALL of the installments are self-absorbed and self-important? Well, in any case, I was so wrapped up in the flour tortilla of my impending business (pronounced "busy-ness"), that I neglected a few dollops of random guacamole. So, here's a super happy bonus installment...enjoy.

Apparently, March 10th was National Day of Appreciation for Abortion Providers. What, you might ask, is an appropriate gift for National Day of Appreciation for Abortion Providers? Well, I have no idea, but I did come up with a couple inappropriate gifts...
--A simple bouquet...of wire hangers
--A plate of scrambled eggs
--A Cabbage Patch Kid...with a gift receipt

I caught part of the World Baseball Classic, and by "part", I mean one play out of the the corner of my eye on a tv in my periphery while I was screaming at the Terps on the tv directly in front of me. Anyway, I believe it was America vs. Canadia (you heard me). One of the U.S. players' last name was Putz. I want that jersey. It got me to thinking about my favorite sports names...in no particular order:
1. D'Brickashaw Ferguson
2. Nook Logan
3. Miroslav Satan
4. Radek Bonk
5. Ruben Boumtje-Boumtje
6. Sarunas Jasikevicius (yes-you-kaveshus)
7. God Shammgod

I ate turtle soup for the first time on Saturday night. It joins the list of other exotic animals I've consumed: alligator (in omelet form), shark (in fried nugget form), and human (I bit my lip). The turtle soup was delicious...the flavor was slow and steady. My one regret was that it wasn't served in the shell. C'mon, the turtle is the only animal that has a natural bowl (nod to Jerry Thomas).

Ok, that's enough random crap. Back to me. Remember, if you enjoy the blog, you should extrapolate that to liking me and check out my Facebook fan page. Declare your undying...like. Also, starting Thursday night, I'm kicking off another can't-miss fun weekend at one of my favorite clubs, the Baltimore Comedy Factory. And if you don't enjoy sobriety, then have I got a deal for you: See me, drink free. Just print out this handy-dandy coupon to pickle you, whilst I tickle you...

See you in Charm City.

To be continued...

Fast Forward

Hey there 'Redheads... I hope everyone has adjusted to the quantum leap forward into a dystopian future where our economy has crumbled. If only we had that one hour back, you would be able to...read this earlier. Well, get your heads straight, people. The next couple of months, the calendar is going to turn into a flip book. My apologies to whoever's job it is to govern the laws of space and time. Whenever I have things to look forward to, they approach at warp speed. I'm just saying, if you have stuff to do between now and June, you should get your ducks in a row. In two weeks, I'm going back to Vegas...in time for the Final Four. And when I get back, I kick off eight straight weeks of comedy work...including a week at the DC Improv, May 14-17, featuring for Jeff Ross. And the night before that, I'm going to the Spinal Tap Unwigged & Unplugged concert at the Warner Theater. Check your watches...it might already be April. Confused? Maybe this can clear things up...

Before my 1.21 gigawatt expectations accidentally leave me stranded two months from now, waiting for anyone who gives a goddamn to catch up with me, let's focus on the present and not too distant past.

First, for the 'Redheads in Charm City... I'm back at the Baltimore Comedy Factory this weekend. Three nights, seven shows, and zero dollars for drinks. Because I'm funnier when I'm blurry around the edges, I'm offering a bailout from your senses...DRINKS ARE ON ME. Just print out this handy dandy coupon...

Baltimore has always been beddy beddy good to me, so I'm looking forward to a fun time up I-95.

Speaking of fun times in a northerly direction, I had a blast up at the Lake Ontario Playhouse to finish off February. It was a last minute gig, and I'm glad it luckily fell in my lap. Big thanks to the great staff up there and the cool folks in the town of Sacket's Harbor, NY. I drove up there with Marc Unger, who was nice enough to bring me along. The place was right out of a Stephen King rough draft...quaint, but with slightly foreboding undertones. If the walls bled, I wouldn'tve been completely shocked. The playhouse itself is a former military dance hall from the 40's that was converted into a comedy club. Very cool place...it had a Cheers vibe to it. Can't wait to go back in the summer.

We got back to town just in time for it to snow nine inches. Barely a week later, it's sunny and 70. This isn't me. My ego can only warp time. If you'd like to feed my ravenous need for constant validation, I suggest you check out my Facebook Fan Page.

I wish I could affect the play of my Terps, who managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory over the weekend. Nothing is ever easy with this team...they dangle a glimmer of hope in front of us, then clang our hearts off the front end of the rim as the buzzer sounds. Mix enough metaphors for ya? Here's hoping Gary Williams can wring every bit of talent juice from the ShamWow he uses to dry off with after every game. It's be nice to fill out an NCAA bracket with a local team in it.

Ok. It's late and I'm rambling. To be continued...

Fanuary

Hey there 'Redheads... How's your year been so far? We're roughly two weeks in and I must say, mine is doing well to keep my low expectations and false hopes alive. The last installment was a quick one, so I've got about six pounds of crap to cram into this five pound bag of bunk. First, you may have noted the title. Why not kick off '09 with some patented (pending) '08 stunt blogging that's past it's sell-by date? Consider this a pledge drive of sorts. Since MySpace has become the light rock on the social network radio dial, I figured I'd start to dig my heels in over on Facebook. Take a gander over at the right-hand side of the blog and you'll see the link to my Facebook fan page (where it says BECOME A 'REDHEAD). Click on it and pledge your digital devotion in my general direction.

Big thanks to Charm City and the crackerjack staff at the Baltimore Comedy Factory for yet another great weekend on their stage. We had some fun shows, despite a couple being lightly attended. Our first show on Saturday night fell victim to the juggernaut of the NFL Playoffs...specifically, the Ravens game. All of Baltimore was glued to a bar stool in front a flat screen tv, mainlining beer and chicken wings, while the Ravens plucked out the eyes of the Titans. There was about 25 people at the show...most of them Steelers fans. We still had fun. I was pretty psyched, because I test drove some brand new material all weekend and it's a keeper. Speaking of the playoffs, I'm pretty sure if the Cardinals go to the SuperBowl, the seismic force of every football fan in America simultaneously smacking themselves in the forehead, will cause a tsunami that will swallow Tampa Bay. So...Go Eagles.

We'll be right back after this brief message...

...and we're back. The economy is rough, so I figured I'd sell commercial time on the blog. I'm also leasing out my left nostril to that family in the Mucinex ad. Tough times.

I would be remiss, if I didn't mention the recent sinking of the good ship Wiseacres. They closed their doors pretty much right after the ball dropped. After getting my feet wet up in Baltimore, my formative comedy years were spent on the Wiseacres stage. I recorded my comedy cd there. It's a big loss for the area comedy scene. It was the only regular weekly open mic held at an actual comedy club. When your primary goal is to eventually get work at a comedy club, there's no better feedback you can get than from a comedy club crowd. Plus, it was a great place to hang out with your brothers and sisters in arms and shoot the shit in a Cheers meets Mos Eisley atmosphere...a wretched hive of scum and villainy where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came. Hopefully, the hole it leaves will eventually get plugged.

Does everyone have their plans for the big inaugural festivities? This city is about to get swarmed with hope and smothered by idealism. They're projecting 4 million people will show up in DC...4 million people who don't know their way around. And I'm going to be right in the thick of the clusterfuckery (look it up). I finagled tickets to the Black Tie & Boots Inaugural Ball put on by the Texas State Society. Anyone know where I can find a pair a of cowboy boots and a bola tie?

To be continued...

Oh Nine, So Fine

Hey there 'Redheads... Happy 2009 to ye. Some of you may just be coming out of the groggy haze of your New Year's Eve hangover...welcome. My eve was low key and low cost...dinner with friends and hopped to a couple different house parties. No cover charges, no wading through a sea of drunks, and no silly hats. Also, I wasn't in front of a TV until the final countdown and, for some reason, the broadcast of choice was CNN, so I didn't have to see stroked out Dick Clark awkwardly mumble his way through the end of the year. There was more time to party this year, and I'm not referring to the extra leap second that we were afforded. It was so cold, time slowed down. As I walked to the second party of the evening, my resolution was to make it to '09 with an even number of ears.

So, we're a week into the new year and I'm doing what I can to start things off on a good note. I spent the day off cleaning out my apartment...out with the old crap to make room for...new crap. My primary hope for this year is that I can cobble out a calendar of gigs that'll resemble that of a professional comedian. To that end, allow me to suggest you spend the first weekend of the year laughing in my general direction. I'll be featuring at one of my favorite clubs, the Baltimore Comedy Factory, this weekend. Three nights, seven shows, and DRINKS ARE ON ME...you heard me. You pay for the laughs and you can grease your collective skids gratis. Simply print out this coupon...


Click the link for tix and info. See you in Charm City...

I've got a couple other things I want to cover, but they'll wait 'til the next installment.

To be continued...

Bloggy Blog Blog...Shabba-doo

That's the worst title I've ever heard... If you get that reference, we should start a secret society...with a handshake and stuff. Hey there, 'Redheads... It occurred to me after I posted the last installment that I completely forgot to mention my gig in Harrisburg. So, this one will be a tale of two cities. More like a blurb of two cities.

Thanks to Corey and the great staff at the Harrisburg Comedy Zone for a great bunch of shows. I ended up going up there a day early to fill in for my comedy buddy, Sonya King, and host the open mic on Thursday night. The open mic isn't held in the main club. They put it in the adjacent bar. We had a couple guys popping their comedy cherries that night. The crowd met and exceeded my expectations for attentiveness and responsiveness...especially considering the Eagles game was left on the TVs. Overall it was a fun weekend. I have family that live in the Lancaster area, so I got a chance to hang out with them for a bit. Luckily, Harrisburg is a short drive. So, when I was sitting in my hotel room after Saturday night's show and noticed the floor was moving, it was an easy decision to pack up my crap and head home.

This past weekend in NC was pretty nifty. Big ups to the staff at the Greensboro Comedy Zone. Easily the nicest club I've been to on the road. And the waitresses are sa-mokin'. We had a packed house for all four shows and the Greensborans were downright friendly...drunk, but friendly.

On Sunday, I had a minor religious experience. I found the local Hooters, sat myself down in front of five flat screen TVs and mainlined football and wings. And it was good. By the way, if you wanted to know how many Hooters wings it takes to get to the tootsie roll center of regret, it's somewhere around 30. Speaking of football, Tom Brady's shredded patella has pretty much quashed the hopes of two of my four fantasy teams. Can't wait for week two.

Oh, by the way...

FREE BOOZE IN BALTIMORE

For those of you itching to see me locally, here's some ointment for ya. Come check me out at the Baltimore Comedy Factory this weekend (Thu-Sat) with headliner, Jim Florentine. Seven shows for your viewing pleasure. And if you print out this coupon...

Your drinks are free, thus making me funnier...and blurrier. See you in Charm City. Whether you remember seeing me is another issue.

To be continued...

Blog Life

Hey there, 'Redheads... Blogust is over. No more stunt blogging until, you guessed it, Blogtober. In the meantime, try to enjoy the no-frills offerings of September. Ok, pretend to try. Here's something else to pretend to care about. I am goateed. Much like my short-lived moustache announcement, I have no pictures to back this up. I'm an eye patch away from being evil parallel universe Jared. This attempt at non-sideburn facial hair has lasted about a week longer than previous attempts. Glad we had this little talk.
Oh, by the way, thanks for doing your part and not giving a jumping flying twisting screaming fuck about Disaster Movie. I believe it came in 7th at the box office and was seen mostly by friends and family of the cast.

And now, in lieu of blog content, some shameless (read: less shameful) self-promotion...

NEXT WEEKEND

SEPT. 11th-13th

BALTIMORE COMEDY FACTORY

7 SHOWS

with JIM FLORENTINE

Not sold..? What if I tell you that...

DRINKS ARE ON ME

Just print out this handy dandy coupon and drink 'til I'm funny...er...

I'm off to Greensboro, NC for a weekend of fun and thrills at the Comedy Zone. I'm told nothing could be finer. We shall see.

To be continued...

Toe Tappin' Fun

Hey hey, 'Redheads... July has been a lean month for bloggage. The big Vegas blog in the last installment doesn't make up for a month of slackitude. Which is why it's time for another stab at stunt blogging to try to rebuild readership (back to 3). By the time you read this, it'll be...Blogust. Please, contain yourselves. I wanted to sneak in one last installment before those festivities begin. So, here are a couple quick hits to get the blog rolling...

For those of you rabid 'Redheads who have been itching to hop in a VW bus and follow me like Phish, I give you my upcoming schedule. Thankfully, the comedy stars have aligned and I've strung together enough dates to make it worth your (and my) while...

Blogust 15th @ The Bottle Factory in Salisbury, MD
Blogust 29th & 30th @ The Comedy Zone in Harrisburg, PA
Sept. 5th & 6th @ The Comedy Zone in Greensboro, NC
Sept. 7th @ The Comedy Zone in Fayetteville, NC
Sept. 11th - 13th @ The Baltimore Comedy Factory...guess where.
Sept. 18th - 20th @ The Funny Farm in Youngstown, OH

Slap that on a t-shirt. Then print up a bunch of 'em for me, would ya? That'd be great. You might've noticed that the upcoming DC Comedy Fest is not on that calendar. There've been some rumblings among the DC comedy community about the make-up of the Fest. I've given up on letting contest/festival rejection stick in my craw. I've coated my craw in teflon, so the no-thank-yous just slide off now. That being said, a big thanks to the fine chaps at Top Shelf for putting together a slate of shows filled to the brim with all the local talent the DC Comedy Fest left out.

I'd also like to thank them for including me...and for only charging me $34. Hopefully, despite being on the Top Shelf, enough people will be able to reach us... Not sure where on said shelf I am just yet...stay tuned.

Here's some new ear candy for you to suck on...

Instructions: 1) Click 'em. 2) Rock out.

See ya in Blogust...

In The Pendence

Hey there 'Redheads... This installment is a quickie. I've got a couple things I wanted to say to no one in particular. Since no one in particular reads this blog, the message has a medium. Happy 4th of July, first of all. Go celebrate freedom. Colorful explosions set to music seems like the popular way to go. I myself will be heaving a giant crate of Lipton Iced Tea into my neighbor's pool...let those redcoats know we still mean business.

Big thanks to Chip, Jeff, Shannon, and the amazing staff of the Baltimore Comedy Factory for a great slate of shows last weekend. Once again, Charm City treated me well. I got a chance to work with the very cool Vince Morris. 'Twas a pleasure. Not only was he funny, but he took the time to listen to my act and gave me a great tag for a joke. And we got drunkity-drunk drunk.


Tyler Richardson was the MC for the weekend. He is a strange strange fellow. I use that adjective twice because his mission statement for the weekend was to get "some Baltimore strange". Did I mention they changed the city motto to "Baltimore: It burns when we pee"?

By the by, belated congratulations to Erin Jackson, who made it to the semis of Last Comic Standing and got flat out robbed of a spot on the show. Really NBC? God's Pottery over Erin? Good luck with that. Check out the clip of her set and you tell me you wouldn't want to watch her weekly...

And now IRONY IN THE NEWS...

Irony - a state of affairs that is the reverse of what was to be expected; a result opposite to and in mockery of the appropriate result.
He hopped two fences to get his hat and got decapitated. Not sayin' it's funny...just a real life example. That one's for you, George.

In 24 hours, I'll be in Las Vegas. With Jon Mumma, Justin Schlegel, Jay Hastings, and Sean Gabbert. Send bail money.

May the Fourth be with you...

Tonight's Forecast: Dark

Hey there 'Redheads... This one might ramble a bit. I still can't get over that George Carlin is gone. Not only is he a giant, one of the heads on the Mount Rushmore of comedy, but I count him as one of my biggest influences. He was equal parts silly and subversive, clever and caustic, absurdist and acerbic. In one breath he could convince you that God doesn't exist and in the next list off five kinds of farts and why each one was funny. And he was a ninja with words. One of my favorite lines of his is "Backwards words say to used I. Again go I there. Shit oh." That's off the A Place For My Stuff album. It's one of his funniest and it sets the benchmark for observational comedy. One of the great sketches on the album is a game show called Asshole, Jackoff, Scumbag, where one of the contestants' hobbies is "calling up the Red Cross and telling them to go fuck themselves." Keeps getting funnier every time I hear it. Do yourself a favor, click the link, and press play. Thank me later. He first caught my ear when I was 11, listening to a Comic Relief cassette. I got a chance to see him live at the Warner Theater about 8 years ago, before I started doing stand-up. I remember being slightly disappointed because he was reading off of note cards, not realizing that he was using the performance as a tune-up for an upcoming HBO special. The second half of the show was essentially an infomercial for a six CD boxed set of all of his classic albums on the Little David record label (get that). At that show, I got a t-shirt. On the front is a picture of him making a contorted face. On the back it says, "Simon says... Go fuck yourself." It's a shame that his Mark Twain Prize will be posthumous. I would've liked to see him accept that. Thank you, George. You will be missed.

For those of you who've been itching to see me locally, this weekend is the ointment for that itch. I'm featuring at the Baltimore Comedy Factory with Vince Morris. Seven shows for your viewing pleasure this Thursday - Saturday. Click the link for tix and info. Sure, Baltimore was just rated the most armed and dangerous city, but don't let that keep you from checking out the show. Let a smile be your kevlar vest. Did I forget to mention... DRINKS ARE ON ME!! Just print out the coupon below and drink for free, thus making me funnier.


See you in Charm City...

Kung Foolin'

Hey there 'Redheads... Welcome to April. I hope everyone had a Fool's Day full of prank and free of personal injury or embarrassment resulting from any backfiring of said prank. Here's hoping you didn't have any real serious information to convey to someone...reaction time is slowed exponentially when everything you say is met with, "Yeah, right...good one." It's why there's a glut of obituaries on April 2nd. A good buddy of mine tried to tell me that his wife is pregnant with their second child. I was genuinely happy for him...until I hung up the phone and I remembered what day it was. My happiness turned to mistrust and betrayal. How dare he use his wife's uterus for such a lark. I called him back to try to salvage my April Fool street cred and left a message on his voicemail. It took his wife calling to corroborate the story to set things right...let's just say I'll feel better when I see a sonogram. Other than that false alarm, my day was prank free.

This also is not a joke...

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- A Southern California McDonald's restaurants official says Egg McMuffin inventor Herb Peterson has died in Santa Barbara at age 89.

Even though he shuffled off this mcmortal coil, he has a spot in all of our hearts...that we should have examined immediately by a cardiologist, in case it's malignant.

Ok...enough of that. A big thanks to Allyson, Red, and the rest of the crackerjack staff of the DC Improv for another great week of shows. After taking the tequila shot of shucking and jiving for dullards in Hanover, PA, it was nice to suck on the refreshing lime wedge of appreciative DC crowds. I had the pleasure of working with two cool guys from the west coast, Ian Bagg and Reggie Steele. It was alot of fun to watch Ian work. His style is predicated on great crowd work interwoven with his written material. Essentially, he does a different show every time. I'm horrible at talking to the crowd, which is a pisser because I like to think I'm a decent conversationalist. On stage, my brain likes to stick to the script and rejects crowd interaction like a bad kidney. I don't know if you read the other comedy blogs, I appreciate the brand loyalty if you don't, but you should give them a looksee. Anyway, Erin Jackson had a link to a Bill Burr interview in one of her recent blogs. In it, he talked about how it felt like he was "reading from a teleprompter" when he was starting out. That pretty much crystallizes the gear that I've been stuck in. If I read from a teleprompter, Ian Bagg is the on the scene investigative reporter. A long way to go for the metaphor, but it's an accurate comparison.

A word on proper audience etiquette when at a show like Ian's, that contains crowd work. Let the show come to you. Don't try to interject yourself. Speak when spoken to. I mention this because I encountered a putz who may well be coming soon to an open mic near you. About a third of the way into Ian's set on Thursday night, a guy sitting toward the back of the club leaves his seat and introduces himself to me. He says he's a former "teaser writer" for CBS and that he wants to start telling the jokes he's been writing all these years. He seems nice enough. I give him my card and point him toward DCStandup.com for open mic opportunities. Then he eyes an empty seat on the right side of the stage and asks me, "What do you think he'd do if I sat down over there?" I shrug, "He'd probably keep going with his show." He nods and waddles over to the spot he picked out. Sure enough, Ian acknowledges him. Everyone in the front couple of rows has had a piece of the action. Then this guy starts loudly piping up while Ian is talking to other patrons, acting as a giant sweaty impediment to comedy. This goes on for the rest of the show. Every time any comedic momentum is built up, this guy throws a handful of rusty nails on the road and blows out the tires. After the show is over, he comes back to where I'm sitting, looking for a high five. Normally, when a heckler comes up to me after a show, I nod and smile to keep the encounter as short as possible. But this guy, who planned on being on a stage at some point, needed to know how many pages of the comedy rulebook he had just wiped his ass with. "You weren't helping," I started. This stopped him in his tracks and he looked at me like a dog who just rolled over but was refused a snausage, "Wha?" "You contributed nothing to the show and you tried to be the show," I continued. At this point he was too drunk to process what I was saying to him or coherently defend himself. "If you're planning on doing stand-up, just know that what you did tonight is not cool. I'm not trying to be a douche. I'm just letting you know." Then I awkwardly started talking to someone else and he shuffled out of the showroom.

Another big thanks to the crew at DCComedy4Now.com for having me on the latest Top Shelf show at Solly's Tavern. Comedians in suits not worn since an aunt died or a parking violation was overturned. They had a great turnout for the show and a good time was had by all...aided by Pabst Blue Ribbon...oh, and tater tots...I dare you to have a shitty time with that combo in play...even if it's your last meal.

A couple shows to let you know about. I probably should've led with this, but on Friday night (tonight, considering it'll be Friday by the time I hit the publish button) I'm part of the kickoff show for the 3rd Annual Baltimore Comedy Fest. Besides me, the line-up is top-notch, including Erin Jackson, Mike Aronin, Mike Way, and Larry XL. The Fest benefits Autism research, so come check out the show and do some good while having some good done to you. Click the link for details. Also, on April 8th, I'll be back up in Baltimore at the Comedy Factory for a Comcast OnDemand taping. That line-up will be stacked too...and you can get your mug on TV in a carefully planned spit-take reaction shot. See you in Charm City.

To be continued...

Fallout

Hey there 'Redheads... Long time, no type. Once again, I've tried to stockpile interesting crap, so that when I clean out the lint trap in my head, I can knit you a proper toaster cozy. It's sentences like that that make ya wish I waited just a bit longer... I've got a bunch of cool things on the comedy horizon to call your attention to:

On November 24th, I'll be joining a gaggle of comedy compatriots on stage at the DC Improv Comedy Lounge. The show is going to be taped for Comcast Comedy Open Mic On Demand. The cavalcade includes Chris White, Jon Mumma, Justin Schlegel, Mike Way, Sean Gabbert, and many more...ok, six more. Wanna be in the audience to check out this comedy conglomerate? Click here for tickets and info.

On November 28th, Rob Maher and I will be doing our part to make sure we aren't irretrievably awful people, and take part in the DC Firefighters Burn Foundation Benefit for Children’s Hospital at the Clarendon Grill.

On December 15th, just in time for Hannukah, I'll be on stage at the Comedy Spot for a show that's being called Jew Man Group. Myself, Leo Goodman, Adam Ruben, and Ben Isaac take the stage for an evening of shpilkis. We could also be called The Mensches of Comedy, or The Disappointed Mother Tour, or Cheaper Than Therapy, the list goes on. Please to be clicking here for tickets and info.

Over the weekend, I got a chance to work with two of my favorite funny folk, Erin Jackson and T-Rexx, at the Baltimore Comedy Factory. Big thanks to the staff up there for a fun couple of nights. I was a little disappointed that no one showed up in costume the whole weekend. There was one guy who looked like Kenny Rogers, but that hardly counts. A great septet of shows in Charm City was capped off by a fracas...a donnybrook...a rhubarb...a BEAT DOWN. I shall now give you the play-by-play of this impromptu UFC pay-per-view...
T-Rexx was closing his set with his classic bit about getting his retarded cousin drunk. I requested he do it. It keeps getting funnier every time I hear it. The sold out crowd was laughing along with him...except for one guy, who was sitting in the second row on stage right. He wasn't enjoying it at all. To the point that T-Rexx said to him, "I don't know how much it cost to get in, but it's free to leave. Because this is going to get worse." As he finishes up his set, I start walking toward the stage to bring him off. After he gets done plugging his DVDs, the disgruntled guy says, "Why don't you get off the motherfucking stage, motherfucker." An exchange of "fuck yous" was had. Then, T-Rexx hand me his jacket and steps off stage next to where the guy was sitting, and strikes a Bruce Lee pose in front of him...complete with kung-fu yowl.

Knock knock, mo fo...

Well, being drunk and belligerent, the guy stands up. He rears back to swing and, before he can get off a punch, T-Rexx hits him twice in the chest and once in the face. The guy tackles T-Rexx into a row of chairs that were quickly evacuated by the crowd. From the stage, I see T-Rexx grab the guy's wrist and grapevine his arm with his legs. Security breaks it up and drags the guy out by his collar, leaving behind a bloody smear on T-Rexx's pant leg. Thank you Baltimore, goodnight.

Your comedy homework is to vote for Erin Jackson on Ziddio.com early and often...send her to Vegas.

To be continued...

Play the Music, Light the Lights

Hey there, 'Redheads... Welcome to, you guessed it, Blogust. Like all of the previous months with "blog" crammed into the name, I'll continue to churn out the usual mediocre fare and try to dress it up so you think I'm doing something special for you...and fool myself into thinking you give a goddamn either way...
Tomorrow starts a nice string of shows this week, including two contests. Two separate chances to have my soul subjectively stepped on. Let the games begin.

Wednesday, I throw my hat into the comedy marathon that is the Funniest Person in Baltimore contest. I call it a marathon not because of its length, but because once it's done I usually have chapped nipples and I've been beaten by a Kenyan. I'm usually lucky if I'm the funniest person in my apartment, so this'll be a fun five minutes. I always relish the chance to play the Comedy Factory and, speaking of relish, there's a Five Guys about a block away...I'm already a winner.

I won't have long to lick my wounds, because on Thursday I head to the DC Improv to butt heads with seven of DC's finest. The winner representing DC in Vegas at the HBO Comedy Festival Lucky 21 Showcase. I'm up against Rob Maher, Joe Robinson, Erin Jackson, Chris White, Seaton Smith, Randolph T, and Jon Mumma...I'm usually a gambling man, but don't bet on "Jew" in this one. I'm just happy to be included. I cannot recommend this show enough. Sure, it's a local showcase and you can see most of the participants for free on a given night, but rarely do you get an Ocean's Eleven line-up like this altogether on one show. You will laugh lots. Click the link for tix and info...

Hopefully, I have some ego left for the weekend, when I skip town to play one of my favorite little clubs, Cozzy's in Newport News, VA. It's a fun joint, the staff is great, and they ply their audiences with jello shots before each show...what could possibly go wrong?

I should mention a couple comedy comings and goings on the local scene. There's been a mass exodus from DC to NY. Too many names to mention, but I wish you all well...if you should need a key grip or best boy on your movie or TV show, please keep me in mind. There are a couple folks that're taking a slightly longer trip. On Wednesday, there'll be a send-off at Wiseacre's for house MC, Brian McClure. He's being shipped off to Iraq. Apparently, he's bombed here so many times, our military considers his comedy weapons-grade. Please join me in wishing him a hasty and safe return. Also, a belated bon voyage to Jim Elliott. Jim moved to Dublin, where Guinness runs out of the faucets. He has a MUCH better travel agent than Brian. Jim, may your time in Dublin be magically delicious. And, finally, DC welcomes back into the fold comedy savant, Erik Myers. Erik has been walking the Earth (like Cain in Kung-Fu) for the last six months, solving mysteries, helping people, and searching for a six-fingered man. Now he's back in town and poised to start snappin' funny bones.

To be continued...