It Begins...

Hunker down, people. Brace yourselves. Batten down the hatches. Gird your loins. Katy, bar the door. May the bread, milk, and toilet paper be with you, because a storm is coming. Not just any storm, mind you. A historic storm. That's right, it's going to be histormic (I'll let myself out). Death awaits ye, one tiny flake at a time. The truly historic storm will be the massive flood of crappy "Winter is Coming" and photoshopped AT-ATs on the highway memes that will sock in social media. Personally, I think all of this hysteria was cooked up by the Sliced Bread Lobby. Best thing, my ass.

The official name for this two day swath of doom dandruff is Winter Storm Jonas, which would be a great name for an albino pro wrestler. The agreed upon hip name for it is Snowzilla. That's the best the hive mind could come up with? Here are some alternatives:

Eddie Blizzard
White Privilege
Snowlestra
Ice-IS
Cold Slither

Before I go any further, I'd like to call your attention to the giant pink button on your right. You're going to want to click on that button and cast a vote for me (@FunnyJared) as Best Twitter Personality in the Washington City Paper's Best of DC 2016 Reader's Poll. I don't care if you don't read it. I don't care if you live in DC. I want to make Twitter great again. So please to vote for me and validate my narcissism. I came in second last year and I'd like to claw my way to the summit of the mountain of your support. You are the wind beneath my wings.

Also, I wanted to give a shout out to my buddy Chris White over at the DC Improv. He's a giant history nerd and he's embarking on an ambitious project to find the funniest POTUS ever, called Headliner of State. I'm the silky voiced announcer for this project, so please listen as we begin our search. New episode every Monday.

Speaking of... speaking, I recently got hired to be a part of another cool project that you can consume. I'm going to voice an audiobook, a suspense thriller called "The Watershed". I've finished recording the first chapter and I'm very excited to read out loud to you. If I can get paid for reading out loud, maybe I can get some cash for chewing with my mouth open. This is a big step for me, not only because it's professional voice work, but I normally fall asleep when I read. Thank goodness I'm standing up in the recording studio. The big challenge is trying to affect a woman's voice without sounding like a Monty Python sketch.

See you after the world ends.