Jared Been Bloggin'

Hey there, 'Redheads... Sorry once again for the bump in the blog road at the end of last week. I had to take a couple sick days because nature was trying to kill me. The air was so full of pollen, it was almost chewy, and my body was not ready for the aerial assault. The mucous in my lungs was driven by rage and pursued by an investigative reporter. So, what's going on in the world? Oh, there was the Royal Wedding on Friday, with all of its pomp and circumstance. It seemed only right to give something but, unfortunately, a shit was not on William and Kate's gift registry. It's the thought that counts. Needless to say, I avoided that particular royale with cheese like the plague.

On to the big news that broke last night.

'Twas the night before Monday, and tucked in my bed, I flipped through the channels with a pain in my head.

I was feeling quite groggy, so NBC I did click, to Celebrity Apprentice, to hear Trump be a dick.

But the news broke in before Donald could fire, to tell us Obama had a statement most dire.

What could it be? The economy? A new war? My mind raced with guesses galore.

But before I could figure it, as I lay in my bed, Obama told us that Osama was dead.

I was actually kind of pissed at the various news outlets, because it would've been a massive bombshell if Wolf Blitzer and the other pundits didn't spoil it for us before the president even took the podium. The guy's been sitting on this top secret operation for months, people. Let him have his moment. So, yeah, it's been almost ten years, but we finally figured out where Osama bin hidin'. And it wasn't in some spider hole or a dank cave. He was kickin' it in the Pakistani Real World house. So, we sent in a super elite team of Navy SEALS to dictate his last words to him. In my mind, this squad was made up of Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris, and Black Dynamite. America put a bullet between the eyes of the most recognizable face of terrorism. Are we any safer for it? Maybe. But at least he won't be doing the terrorizing anymore. And the next guy better think twice, else we send another covert ops team in for a visit. Let them run scared for a change. When Obama told us that we had, "they killed Osama bin Laden and took custody of his body," I half expected them to wheel him out, encased in carbonite. After the announcement, people took to the streets in celebration. Some say that death should not be celebrated, even if it cases like this. As Clarence Darrow once said, "I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure."

See you Tuesday.

Randy Jackson Presents: America's Next President

Hey there, 'Redheads... As most of you know, I rarely get political, mostly because I'm not that well informed and it makes my head hurt. I think that's what keeps a lot of Americans in a state of blissful political ignorance. This, however, forces certain fringe elements to focus on superficial stuff to try to get the stupid masses something shiny to latch onto and feel like they're being political (it makes sense in my head). We're a culture that's fueled on superficial gossip and pseudo-celebrity.

I bring this up because I simply can't believe that President Obama felt it necessary to give a moment of his attention to the walking comb over, Donald Trump, and his bluster about where Obama was born. In any sane society, this guy would have as much traction as a greased up Nissan Sentra on an ice rink, but because he's rich and he's on TV, people are actually listening to him. So, the president gave a statement this morning to the press and produced his Hawaii birth certificate. If you didn't hear it, allow me to paraphrase, "I don't have time for this bullshit. Here it is. Now, shut the fuck up."

If Trump is actually going to run for president in 2012 (as the Mayans predicted), I think we should just cut the bullshit and just turn the presidential race into a reality show. Hell, more people vote for American Idol than they do in a national election. Have Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul moderate the debates, then have each candidate compete in weekly political challenges to win electoral votes. I also think that Trump should be forced to have the winner of Celebrity Apprentice be his running mate. I'm pulling for Busey, myself.

See you Thursday.

iBlog

Hey there 'Redheads... We're not even a month into 2010 and my blog muscles have begun to atrophy. Well, what's not done is done. Let's pretend you've missed me and move on. So, I just got done watching as much as my ADD would let me of the State of the Union address. I am not a political wonk (I'm more of a Willy wonk) but, from what I could piece together between flipping channels, Barack killed it. It's so nice to have a president who is a comfortable public speaker. When Bush gave his SOTU's, I always thought it was a neat trick when he'd keep talking while Cheney sipped his glass of water.

I've also been enjoying the bally-hoo surrounding the latest Apple gizmo, the iPad. This is basically an iPod touch for people with fat fingers and bad eyesight. It's the giant calculator of our generation. When it comes to Apple products, I enjoy the classics...Old Reliable, the Apple IIc. Sturdy. Dependable. The thing is old enough to legally rent a car and it still works. The screen is a piercing monochrome green. I've absorbed enough radiation from it over the years that now, whenever I become angry or outraged, a startling metamorphosis occurs. The picture of it takes up more memory than it has. But now you crazy kids have your newfangled iPads. I think I remember seeing an ad for it awhile back...

On the sports front, it was nice to finally see a couple compelling NFL playoff games. That Vikings/Saints game was one of the best playoff games in recent memory. I'd like to thank the Vikings for letting me dust off one of my favorite lines to describe their 5 turnover performance... *Ahem* I've seen fewer balls thrown away at a dog neutering facility. Despite putting the ball on the ground (lookin' like a fool with your ball on the ground) that many times, they were still in a position to win the game in the closing seconds. I don't fault Favre for tossing that last interception. He was getting pounded like a veal cutlet for the whole game, so he was probably seeing double at that point. But then the game went to overtime, and this fierce contest between these two great teams was put in the hands of the refs and the review booth. An absolutely hideous pass interference call put the Saints in field goal range, and that was it. I'm not unhappy with the prospect of a Saints/Colts Super Bowl, but no amount of confetti could cover how crappy the end of that game was.

On Saturday night, I'm performing in the DC Improv Comedy Lounge with Jason Weems, Erik Myers, and Aparna Nancherla. They sold out the 8:00, so a 10:30 was added. Do yourself a favor, click on the link, and get your grubby mitts on some tix, while the getting is good. Even if you're sick of me, this show is gonna be dynamite.

To be continued... iPromise...

No Animals Were Harmed...

Hey there 'Redheads... It's Friday night, and what better way to kickstart the weekend than sit here in my boxers and type out a quick blog, while my Chipotle steak fajita burrito prepares to reenact the escape scene from Shawshank Redemption? That's right, there is no better way. So, I don't know if you caught this banner headline, but President Obama finally got tired of all the buzz around him...

After the interview, President Obama won the All Valley Karate Tournament. Good to see the President is keeping his swat hand strong. Is anyone else bothered by the fact that CNBC is using the BREAKING NEWS graphic here, by the way? If he pointed to the camera and said, "You're next, Kim Jong Il," then maybe that would qualify. Aside from being a funny little unscripted presidential moment, who gives a damn? You guessed it. PETA. They're pissed because Obama didn't cup it in his hands and release it like a dung-eating dove. C'mon PETA, did you expect him to open negotiations or something? I'd like to take a quick moment to congratulate myself for not using the phrase "no fly zone"...you're welcome. You'd think PETA would have bigger leafy green things on its plate, what with trying to make fish cuter... This is from the PETA website:

Would people think twice about ordering fish sticks if they were called sea kitten sticks? Learn more about our ingenious campaign to save fish by changing their names.

Well, first of all, we still eat hush puppies, so I don't think a cutesy name is going to keep me from a tuna sandwich. I'm a big fan of, "our ingenious campaign to save fish by changing their names..." Howabout we change PETA's name. Would people think twice about ignoring them if they were called Self-Righteous Douche Puppets? Or maybe we can just reword everything PETA says to make it sound like the teacher from Charlie Brown. Not a sermon, just a hastily put together thought.

I want to remind you guys about a kick ass show this Father's Day Sunday at Union Jack's in Bethesda. Jake Young, Mike Way, Jeff Maurer, Jon Mumma, and yours truly as your host, spread the joy starting at 7:30. This show is FREE. Click here for all the deets.

See ya there...

Blogural

Hey there 'Redheads... Sorry for the delay, but I've been either busy, sick, or a combination thereof in the last week or so. Lucky for you, but crappy for me, I got frozen out of my gig at Tagline's tonight. Let's catch up then, shall we? It's been a week since all of the inaugural hoopla turned the streets of DC into the streets of NY. The sidewalks were crammed with people, and you couldn't walk five feet without some run-down schmuck trying to sell you a commemorative Obama keychain, or bobblehead, or shamwow. I saw Obama's face bedazzled on blankets, ironed on to cheap t-shirts, and printed on comic book covers. Less popular was the Obama face-painting...that was a bit awkward. I saw one guy selling programs. Who needs to see Hillary Clinton's stat line? If you need a program to follow along with this, then maybe you should just let history pass you by. I did not get swept up in the need to be there for the historic moment or the historic concert that preceded it.

It was a pretty cool concert, but if I'm going to watch it on a big screen tv, I'll do it indoors. It turns out that a couple friends of mine were in the choir that was backing up Springsteen...pretty cool. A couple small gripes about the production. I get the reverence for the history, but can you spiff up the presentation a bit? Every celebrity out there pretty much droned, "And Kennedy said... And then Lincoln said... And Roosevelt said..." You have all of these actors and comedians up there...let 'em emote, for cryin' out loud. Otherwise, why should I give a crap what Steve Carell and Kal Penn have to say? Also, did anyone tell Joe Biden that he had a mic? He yelled his speech at the crowd like he was giving directions to a foreign tourist. The musical numbers were overall entertaining, reaching their surreal peak when Garth Brooks sang "Shout". You can't fly in Otis Day and the Knights for that gig? I would've paid to see Obama stand up and yell, "Otis! My man!" I was also a little fuzzy on the message of the concert...We Are One...so, resistance is futile?

I'm a dork. Sue me.

So, I didn't get swept up in the mess of the inauguration, but I did go to a ball the night before. I went to the Black Tie & Boots Ball that was held by the Texas State Society. It was an intimate gathering. 12,000 people all glammed up at the National Harbor...pretty swanky. With a crowd that large at a party put on by Texas, herding was a common theme for the night. We got corralled through security, to the coat check line, then we were tagged and roamed free through the revelry. The party was something to behold. Imagine if George W. Bush had a Bar Mitzvah. There were 7 different ballrooms, each with a band...and open bars...God bless America. As far as music, they had both kinds, country and western. Luckily, the dance floors were a bit too crammed for anyone in my group to boot scoot boogie. Here are some recon photos from the evening...




A fun time for sure. Although, we didn't spot any celebrities through the drunken masses.

So, it's a week after being drunk with hope and now we're waking up next to Lady Liberty and she's looking rough. Last Tuesday, she was Heidi Klum, now she's Dame Edna. Here's hoping the new boss can get things turned around.

The SuperBowl is fast approaching. The Cardinals are in. When did the commissioner of the NFL become Rod Serling? At the start of the season, if you put ten dollars on the Cardinals to make the SuperBowl, you'd win enough to buy the damn team. Also congrats to the Steelers and their coach Omar Epps for making the big dance.


For those of you who're back on the Jack Bauer bandwagon, like I am. Let me call it right now, so I can revel in it later. RoboCop is coming back. Bank on it.

To be continued...

Meet The New Boss

Greetings from the other side of history, 'Redheads... On Tuesday, the country had an election lasting longer than four hours...time to consult a physician. Mercifully, this political dust-up is over and we no longer have to hear about mavericks, message approvals, or any of that other crap that was cluttering our lives. I was enjoying how desperate McCain's attack ads were by the last days of the campaign. I saw one that said, "You wouldn't want a surgeon to operate on you with no previous experience, would you?" Well, no, but I also wouldn't want one who was 73, couldn't move his arms, and who's nurse didn't know Africa was a continent, either.

Now it's done and, hopefully, we've picked the right guy for the job. Truth is we won't know for awhile. His election is inspirational and historic, but I hope people don't think this movie we're living in is going to suddenly go from black and white to technicolor once he steps into office. Sure, the Democrats dropped a house on the Wicked Witch of the West Wing, but that house had been foreclosed on months ago, and the Lollipop Guild is laying off thousands of workers despite the high-pitched protests. The one thing we do know is that he seems to have the courage, the heart, and the brains to get us back on track. I'm pretty proud of that extended metaphor...I even synced it up with Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon.

We have a responsibility to uphold now too. By "we" I mean comedians. Listen up guys and gals. For years, we've fallen back on the stale stereotypical premise of "What if the President was black?" Well, now he is, so I'm calling for a moratorium on such hackery. We can do better.

Better than He'll paint the White House black...
No, he won't.
Better than He'll put spinners on the motorcade...
No, he won't.
Better than He'll pardon a bucket of chicken on Thanksgiving...
No, he won't.

Let's rise above that level of Mencian twaddle and find some real reasons to mock Barack. Yes we can.

Ok, enough of the politicking...for now. If you'd like to hear some more, though, you could come check out the show at the Montgomery Drafthouse on Saturday. I'm opening for Daily Show writer, Adam Lowitt. This venue is shiny and new and could use you support. Tickets are only $10...a paltry sum for some high-minded hilarity.

To be continued...

'Weener

Hey hey 'Redheads... Blogtober is just about dried up and ready to fall off the babbling tree, so this'll most likely the last chance to squeeze in some mediocre bloggage. And away we go. Big thanks to the fine folks at the DC Improv for an amazing show in the Comedy Lounge. I had the pleasure of sharing the stage with some of DC's finest, Nora Nolan, John McBride, Joe Robinson, and Erik Myers. Great sets and good times were had by all. I did something that went slightly against type for me...I gave some untested topical material a whirl. I know, be still your beating hearts, but I rarely go off-script without testing the punchlines with a control group and a placebo. I took some of the flat, two dimensional words from the last blog, and inflated them into out loud jokes with appropriate pauses. These specifically...

I have some problems with McCain, which are purely superficial, but that's how I roll. First, he says "Warshington". Learn to pronounce it first, then maybe we'll let you live there. Also, he whistles his esses when he talks...irks the everloving crap out of me. When I close my eyes, Obama sounds presidential...McCain sounds like a cartoon squirrel. And have you seen Cindy McCain? She creeps me right the fuck out.

Obviously, I couldn't use the pictures to illustrate Cindy McCain's inherent creepiness on stage, so I came up with this verbal substitute...

She looks like someone spackled the Crypt Keeper.

The audio is up on my MySpace page, if you'd like the audio book version. After the show, some friends and I adjourned to the nearby Melting Pot to go wade in a chocolate jacuzzi. Everything tastes better dipped in lukewarm chocolate. The table conversation drops off a bit when the dipping is going on. It gets limited to the phrases "Wow, this is delicious", "Holy crap this is good", and "Someone pull Jared's face out of the fondue pot." The fondue magic was sullied toward the end of the evening, when I looked down to see two cockroaches scurry across the floor...they were delicious. The conversation turned to city vermin which eventually led to rats. The following sentence was then uttered by a young lady at our table, "Let me tell you how disgusting rats are. So, I was taking a piss in this alley in Boston..." She kinda trailed off when the rest of the table stared at her with our heads tilted slightly. Take your time and let it sink in. While you're at it, riddle me this. What's wrong with this item...?


Make sure to congratulate this young couple. Apparently, they have a time machine on their gift registry.

Wells-Fargo recently bought ailing bank, Wachovia. They'll be opening a new bank called Well-Fachovia. I'll be here all week. Tip your waitstaff.

Here's one last bit of political video before we yank the levers on Tuesday...a blast from the roughly 8 years past...

Enjoy your 'ween...

Blog-o-ganda

Hey there 'Redheads... Wow, two whole entries in Blogtober...this thing is really picking up pile of steam...yep, it sure is a steaming pile. I was hoping to find time to hammer out some fresh bloggage and luckily, my cable went out...so here we are. As of the last installment, the economy was in shambles. The Dow sunk like a turd after a beef dinner. And just to show you that no one is immune to this financial faceplant, I found this story the other day...

Playboy to eliminate 55 jobs in cost-cutting move

Playboy Enterprises Inc disclosed in a Wednesday regulatory filing that upcoming cost-cutting measures will include eliminating 55 jobs at the Chicago publishing and entertainment concern. Playboy also included in the filing a copy of a "Dear Fellow Employees" letter sent out to workers Wednesday, in which Chairman and Chief Executive Christie Hefner said the economy's deterioration make it "unavoidable that we reduce our cost structure to reflect current economic realities." Hefner's letter spells out a number of cost-cutting moves, including consolidating facilities and reducing travel outlays and overtime. "Unfortunately," she continued, the changes will also mean the elimination of about 80 positions in the company..."

Wow. 80 positions. I hope they hang on to Reverse Cowgirl...that one's a keeper. You know things are crappy when people can't even afford to jerk off anymore. These are dark times we live in. Which is why it's so important to vote. See, this is the kind of public (I said "public") service announcement that'll get people to the polls...use one hand to pull the lever, so the other may yank the crank (message pending approval).

I found a couple bits of video that've helped me make up my mind. Check out Obama at the Alfred E. Smith Memorial Foundation dinner. It's ten minutes long, but it's an engaging ten minutes...stick with it...

He crushed. I expected him to drop the mic and walk off stage when he was done. I'm not a big issue guy. When it comes to picking a presidential candidate, I'm like a girl on Match.com...sense of humor is, like, sooo important. I think it shows a capability for abstract thought that is important in a leader. Besides, in order to be effective, you have to be, at the very least, charismatic. I have some problems with McCain, which are purely superficial, but that's how I roll. First, he says "Warshington". Learn to pronounce it first, then maybe we'll let you live there. Also, he whistles his esses when he talks...irks the everloving crap out of me. When I close my eyes, Obama sounds presidential...McCain sounds like a cartoon squirrel. And have you seen Cindy McCain? She creeps me right the fuck out. She looks like Goldie Hawn from Death Becomes Her...



And don't get me started on Sarah Palin...

Ok, enough politics. Here's one thing we can all agree on, Bruce Campbell is a bad ass. He's got a new flick coming out soon, called My Name Is Bruce. I'll let the trailer speak for itself...

It's coming to DC for one night and one night only at the Landmark on E St. on November 15th. Save the date.

Before I go, I must plug the big comedy show at the DC Improv Comedy Lounge on Saturday. Myself, John McBride, Erik Myers, and Joe Robinson will be on stage for your viewing pleasure. The weather is supposed to be wet and miserable, so let a smile be your umbrella and come laugh at us. Click the link for tix and info.

To be continued...