All You Can Eat

Hey there 'Redheads... Happy belated Earth Day to one and all. I hope everyone took the time to minimize their carbon footprints, or at least cover them up so they can't be traced back to you. Lots of celebrating going on in April. Today was Take Your Spawn to Work Day and, so I'm told, National Competitive Eating Day. Now there's something you won't see an Ethiopian beat us in the closing seconds. Leave it to the good old U.S.A. to assign a point system to gluttony. I'll tell you who else won't be challenging our gastric superiority, if their supermodels are any indication...Australia. This is one of the contestants in the Miss Universe Australia competition...

Her name is Stephanie Naumoska. She's 19 years old, 5'11", 108 lbs, and ribbed for your pleasure. There's a huge uproar that she promotes an unhealthy body image. Well, when you're so skinny people are offering to sponsor you for 85 cents a day, maybe it's time to mix in a $5 foot-long. This girl makes Maria Shriver look like Augustus Gloop. I'm impressed by the forward thinking of the Aussies. This is the Miss Universe pageant she's shooting for. Eventually, that title will have to be defended intergalactically. The entrants she'd be up against will look like this...

I kid, but it turns out that she has a lucrative career as a remedial art class body model...like Leo in Titanic, I must draw her...
Ok, enough of the tall pictures to pad the blog length. Regular readers know that I'm about quality of quantity...it makes my odds better that something in here will actually be funny. One thing I don't stand for, it's typos. Even with the words I make up, great care is taken to spell them right. Call me crazy, but I want something that represents me to reflect professionalism...even if it is through a funhouse mirror. Boy would my face be red if I misspelled something so basic as my name...good thing I'm not a professional sports franchise...that would be at least twice as embarrassing...
Well, at least they didn't misspell "DC". DC: The city that proofreads. There's no "I" in "team", but there's an "O" in "Holy fuck." C'mon, Nats. Your attendance is already less than that model's daily calorie intake. Let's make sure we dot our t's and cross our i's.

For my Charm City 'Redheads, I'm back in Baltimore one last time before I kick off my 7 week regional comedy tour. Check me out at the late night Bar Bacon Fun Time Comedy show on Friday night. Click the link for all the bacony details. Speaking of my upcoming whirlwind (ok, slight breeze) schedule, here's a quick refresher on where and when I can be found at a purveyor of mirth near you...

April 30 - May 2@ the Comedy Factory in Baltimore, MD
May 8 & 9 @ the Comedy Zone in Harrisburg, PA
May 14 - 17 @ the DC Improv (opening for JEFF ROSS)
May 21 - 23 @ the Funny Farm in Youngstown, OH
May 29 & 30 @ the Comedy Zone in Greensboro, NC
June 5 & 6 @ the Comedy Zone in Charleston, WV
June 11 & 12 @ Cozzy's in Newport News, VA
July 31 & Aug. 1st @ Bogey's Comedy Club in Willoughby Hills, OH

Mark your calendars. Go to Jared.

To be continued...