GO TO JAREDSTERN.COM: All Natural

Hey there, 'Redheads... Before I start this installment, I'd like to state, for the record, that I have never used performance enhancing drugs...and it shows. That seems to be the prevailing news of the day...athletes and drugs. A-Rod just admitted to using steroids. Does baseball have any big name players who don't moonlight at hypodermic pin cushions? Next thing you know, these guys will get popped for juicing...

And then, there's Michael Phelps, who I think has been treated unfairly in this whole bong brouhaha. First of all, the picture was snapped FOUR YEARS ago. It wasn't like he hopped out of the pool in Beijing and lit up off the Olympic flame. He was at a party in 2004 and some putz snapped a picture, not realizing what he had until he was making room on a memory card. And the picture doesn't prove anything...

He's either toking a bong or...in a jug band. Either way, I suppose sanctions are in order. I just can't believe he got dropped by Kellogg's...the company that MAKES Pop Tarts. C'mon, Kellogg's...you want him on that wall...you NEED him on that wall. Know your audience. Your loss is Funyons gain, is all I'm saying.

With the economy being as crappy as it is, a lot of stores are closing their doors. One of my favorite purveyors of ribald t-shirts is shuttering for good. Do yourself a favor and check out the evil goods over at TShirtHell.com before it's returns to the darkness from whence it came. Here's a small sample of what you'll find...

Get 'em while the getting is good.

Speaking of t-shirts, I've cobbled together a string of comedy gigs for the 2nd quarter of the year that could almost pass for a tour schedule. Feel free to slap these on the merchandise of your choice:

April 10 & 11 @ Magooby's Joke House in Baltimore, MD
April TBA @ the Comedy Factory in Baltimore, MD
May 8 & 9 @ the Comedy Zone in Harrisburg, PA
May 14 - 17 @ the DC Improv (opening for JEFF ROSS)
May 21 - 23 @ the Funny Farm in Youngstown, OH
May 29 & 30 @ the Comedy Zone in Greensboro, NC
June 5 & 6 @ the Comedy Zone in Charleston, WV
June 11 & 12 @ Cozzy's in Newport News, VA
Mark your calendars. Go to Jared.

If you're on Facebook, you've no doubt been deluged by these lists of 25 things that everyone has been posting. Twenty-five little tidbits that I never thought were interesting enough to ask about in the first place are now encroaching on my valuable wasted time. Hey, I'm trying to tell people abut me over here! It's like I'm in the Clockwork Orange chair, eyes pinned open, while my friends and mild acquaintances explain why strained peaches are emotionally significant and why they hate the smell of old people. I love how these lists seem to have jumped the shark after a week of shelf life. My favorite mockery of the list came from my buddy, Mauricio, who wrote 25 lines of, "All work and no play make Jack a dull boy." Kudos, sir. You'll be glad to know that I've got 25 problems, but a list ain't one. If you're going to waste your time reading pointless crap about somebody, make it this crap...about me.