Double Double...
Hey there 'Redheads... I just got done watching Stephen Strasburg's debut for the Washington Nationals. The kid's got a cannon for an arm. One thing I don't get about baseball tradition. Why in the hell would you smear a shaving cream pie in the face of your new stud pitcher after the game? "Great game, rookie." "GAH! MY EYES!" Why don't you give him a celebratory cleated stomp on the hand while you're at it. I'm not saying a pie in the face isn't a great way to welcome a rookie, but why not use an actual cream pie? Embarrassing AND delicious.
As you know, many jokes come at another person's expense. Some have smaller accounts to draw from and some can pay for years of ridicule. This installment of the blog is going to be making a withdrawal from the bank of Helen Thomas. Don't know who that is? Well, here's a picture to help you out...
No, wait, that's not her. Here ya go...
No, that's still not right. Here it is...
She recently retired over some controversial comments she made about the Israelis and Palestine and mentioning that they should go back to Germany and Poland...on camera...to a Rabbi. Any time you tell a race of people to go back where they came from or make a vague reference to the Holocaust, it's not going to end well. Helen was a fixture in the White House press room, and by "fixture", I mean she had taken root over the 50 years she'd been there. It's not clear whether she'll be returned to Jim Henson's Creature Shop or if she'll look into a lucrative career spinning straw into gold. Is she even retiring or did someone finally just say her name backwards three times? She makes an English bulldog look like Joan Rivers. At this point, I figured the White House spokespeople were only answering her questions because they thought she would allow them to cross her bridge. After such a long stretch, she'll probably just return home and spend more time gardening and frightening the crap out of her grandchildren. Or she may sublet your nightmares. Surreal estate, I guess. Anyway, Helen, I hear Poland or Germany are nice this time of year.
Also, a belated happy 25th anniversary to one of my favorite movies, The Goonies. Have a Baby Ruth and go exploring. Or do the Truffle Shuffle. Unfortunately, I'm much better equipped to do that dance now than when I was 10. Check this out. Apparently, there's a deleted scene from the end of the flick where the gang fend off a giant octopus...
Finally, a very happy birthday to my impossibly cute niece, Riva...
She's the big 0-2 today. I look forward to sharing a Fudgy the Whale with her this weekend. There's a nice visual lime wedge to bite into after the bitter tequila shot of Helen Thomas, eh?
To be continued...
As you know, many jokes come at another person's expense. Some have smaller accounts to draw from and some can pay for years of ridicule. This installment of the blog is going to be making a withdrawal from the bank of Helen Thomas. Don't know who that is? Well, here's a picture to help you out...
No, wait, that's not her. Here ya go...
No, that's still not right. Here it is...
She recently retired over some controversial comments she made about the Israelis and Palestine and mentioning that they should go back to Germany and Poland...on camera...to a Rabbi. Any time you tell a race of people to go back where they came from or make a vague reference to the Holocaust, it's not going to end well. Helen was a fixture in the White House press room, and by "fixture", I mean she had taken root over the 50 years she'd been there. It's not clear whether she'll be returned to Jim Henson's Creature Shop or if she'll look into a lucrative career spinning straw into gold. Is she even retiring or did someone finally just say her name backwards three times? She makes an English bulldog look like Joan Rivers. At this point, I figured the White House spokespeople were only answering her questions because they thought she would allow them to cross her bridge. After such a long stretch, she'll probably just return home and spend more time gardening and frightening the crap out of her grandchildren. Or she may sublet your nightmares. Surreal estate, I guess. Anyway, Helen, I hear Poland or Germany are nice this time of year.Also, a belated happy 25th anniversary to one of my favorite movies, The Goonies. Have a Baby Ruth and go exploring. Or do the Truffle Shuffle. Unfortunately, I'm much better equipped to do that dance now than when I was 10. Check this out. Apparently, there's a deleted scene from the end of the flick where the gang fend off a giant octopus...
Finally, a very happy birthday to my impossibly cute niece, Riva...
She's the big 0-2 today. I look forward to sharing a Fudgy the Whale with her this weekend. There's a nice visual lime wedge to bite into after the bitter tequila shot of Helen Thomas, eh?To be continued...
Labels: comedy, funny, Helen Thomas, Jared Stern, Nationals, Strasburg, The Goonies
posted by Jared at 9:59 PM
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