Sunday, February 18, 2007

Whatcha think?

Hey there 'Redheads... I was kicking around some new joke ideas and rewriting some shelved ones, and I wanted to get your feedback. Comments are welcome. I'm hoping that two of these have a fighting chance to pad the act. If one or two sound familiar, it's because they were culled from previous blog installments. Enjoy...

Feminine hygiene commercials are disgusting. I always cringe when I see the one with the lady who earnestly looks at the screen and says, "An amazing breakthrough. Daytime relief for yeast infections." I just can’t get past that word...yeast. If men suffered from that, it’d have a much less clinical name. Like, "An amazing breakthrough. Daytime relief for bread sticks".

I saw a billboard the other day that was advertising asphalt. It said, "Smooth and quiet." That advertising executive probably spent his budget on hookers and whiskey. I’m pretty sure the asphalt people have the road surfacing market cornered. There’s not a contractor out there that passes that billboard that says, "I need to change my entire schematic. I was going to pave my road with peanut brittle and broken dreams."

I love gas stations that put up inspirational messages on their sign posts:
- If you’re going through hell, keep going...because on the other side is China.
- If you seek vengeance, dig two graves...that is sound advice, because when I get revenge, it usually involves cutting someone in at least two pieces.

This morning I woke up on the wrong side of the bed...the inside.

I went to a toy store in NYC. They had a bulk Lego section...buckets of pieces in every shape size and color for any size Lego project. Building a three-story replica of Tara Reid, but you don’t have enough purple for the crotch? I bought a couple buckets worth and distributed them to the homeless.

We’re getting lazy as a society. Even our information is lazy. I found this in the dictionary the other day:

inconspicuous adj - not conspicuous

Hey Webster, if I'm looking up inconspicuous, chances are I'm not stuck on what "in" means. Get off your stack of phonebooks and define shit. I blame the internet. Back when I went to school, if you wanted to find out more about a word or subject, you went to the library and found books related to that subject. Now, you go online...and find porn related to that subject.

I met the girl of my dreams last night. She had beautiful blue eyes, purple hair, and she was seventy feet tall. Then I woke up.

A recent study showed that LSD can prevent relapses of alcoholism. Nothing quite like treating dependence on an addictive chemical with another addictive chemical, "Thanks to heroin, I switched to decaf." That’s like treating a headache with a swift kick in the nuts.

A mixed bag of broken glass, cubic zirconia, and quartz pebbles...feel around in there and help me find a diamond. You are the wind beneath my wings.

To be continued...


Blogger Seth "not in the comedy circle of friends" V. said...

The girl of your dreams joke, the bed joke, and the websters joke are the top 3. Seth thinks the LSD joke needs a different punch line....

1:04 PM  
Blogger Andy LoPresto said...

The Webster's joke is the most solid - the end is a separate punchline but the beginning is stronger. If you were going to develop it further, work from there.

11:01 PM  

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