News You Can...Ews

Hey again 'Redheads... Happy President's Day. I didn't get the holiday off from work. My boss doesn't recognize Washington or Lincoln...making change is a bitch.
Here's a refreshing lime wedge of hilarity to cleanse the pallet after the sentimental tequila shot of the last post. Just a couple things I found while frantically thumbing through the paper in search of new material...just kidding, but I did find a few interesting nuggets in the daily birdcage lining.

Here's a caption I found in the business section of The Washington Post:
Under NASDAQ chief executive Bob Greifeld, shares in the company have risen about 300 percent since the stock exchange went public a year ago.
Now, I'm no whiz with money. My financial acumen begins and ends with my ability to spot The Greaseman in those crappy CoinXChange commercials. Does it strike anyone else as odd that people are buying stock in a stock exchange? Kinda takes the sport out of it, doesn't it? That loud noise you hear is the sound of the middle man being taken out back and shot.

Here's another fun little tidbit... University of Utah archaeologist, Jack Broughton, has found evidence that the Indians were just as voracious as the Europeans who later stole their land and co-opted their iconography for sports franchises:
After studying thousands of animal bones found on the shores of the San Francisco Bay, Broughton concluded that Native Americans living in the area hunted several species to local extinction from 600 B.C. to 1300 A.D.
So, if you were wondering why there are no Do Do birds, Dinosaurs, Leprechauns, Unicorns, or Eskimos in San Francisco, blame the Indians. In light of this new evidence, I think an apology is in order from what's left of the tribes. We'd like our blankets back.

Here's a shocker:
McDonald's is facing at least three lawsuits related to it's disclosure last week that its french fries contain wheat, peanut, and dairy products, which can cause allergic reactions in food-sensitive customers.
The plaintiffs? These guys:

The primary reaction to these food allergins is spasms that cause people to uncontrollably file frivolous lawsuits. Look for this warning to be placed on french fry packs: These fries may contain wheat, dairy, and peanut byproducts. If you're allergic to any of these...you're a pussy.

To be continued...