The Imagination and Procrastination of Jared Stern, Amiable Zany
Monday, January 31, 2011
Hey there, 'Redheads... Everybody have a good weekend? Mine was pretty fun. I filled in as MC for a couple late night shows at the Arlington Drafthouse with comedy comrade, Tim Miller, and your headliner, Orny Adams. You may remember Orny from Jerry Seinfeld's documentary, Comedian. He's the other comedian that the camera follows around when it's not on Jerry. A fun time was had by all. Even with the snow, people found their way to us to warm up with some laughs. Orny's got a Comedy Central special coming out soon. I recommend you check it out. His look has changed over the past couple years. His hair is bigger. The reason I mention that is because I was talking about it with Tim and I remarked that he looked like Lord Whorfin from Buckaroo Banzai...Tim had no idea what the hell I was talking about. So, I went with a different reference and I said he looked like Heat Miser...Still had no idea. I'm not that much older than him. Are these two things that obscure? I get not having seen Buckaroo Banzai (but seriously, if you haven't, rent it), but who hasn't heard of Heat Miser? Is it a black/white thing? Help me out, people. Anyway, was I far off?Just sayin' is all...
Also, because of my comedic responsibilities, I missed out on seeing my first monster truck rally. You heard me. Monster Jam was in town and, on a lark, a bunch of friends decided to go. I was pretty jealous that couldn't partake in the white trash festivities. I've been to plenty of live wrestling events, but this is on another level. I'm sure it was a hoot and a holler. It's not often that you get a chance to cheer on cars getting crushed by bigger cars, unless a Hummer backs over a Smart Car while parallel parking.
Hey there, 'Redheads... It's finally Friday and this whole regular blogging thing is still humming despite my obvious lack of content. I was watching the Today Show this morning and they did a story on duct cleaning scams with Chris Hanson from Dateline. They had him pop out in some lady's basement to confront a shady duct tech. I bet that guy was too busy frantically thinking about every email and IM he's ever sent to concentrate on his shoddy workmanship.
Here are two videos that'll make your face melt, they're so awesome. First, here's a video of what I can only imagine is a ninja in his spare time... This video pretty much tells Isaac Newton to go fuck himself. For this guy, gravity might as well be a speed limit sign. He can't drive 55. The next video is a piece of Bollywood brilliance, Endhiran...Not even Michael Bay, in his wildest fever dreams, could come with something that insane. And how bad ass is that guy? He looks like Deepak Chopra's evil twin, ridding himself of negative emotions one bullet at a time. I'd actually like to see him take on the guy from the first video.
For those of you in the Arlington, VA area, I picked up a fill-in MC gig over at the Arlington Drafthouse tonight and tomorrow. Yeah, you only get about 5 minutes of me, but Tim Miller and Orny Adams will the there to pick up the slack.
Hey there, 'Redheads... Is everyone enjoying your snow day? Unfortunately, I had to go to work today, but since everybody else was socked in, my commute was a breeze. A stiff cold breeze. But the roads were clean and clear. I guess people didn't abandon their cars on my route to work. I can't believe people did that. Maybe I'm just spoiled with four-wheel drive, but in blizzard conditions, I'd rather be in a heated metal shell than out. How do all you snooty Prius owners feel about our gas guzzlers now, huh? The environment doesn't care what you're trying to do for it. Case in point, my buddy Nick, who swapped his hybrid with his mother's 4x4 to make sure his car didn't slip into an embankment. While he was able to get around during the storm, a tree fell an crushed his hybrid in his mom's driveway. What I'm saying is, you owe it to yourself to put nature in it's place. Go spray some aerosol.
I'd like to get in on the snowings-on, so I think I'll attempt a roof deck snowman when I get home. Happy to not be one of the 400,000 people without power in the DC area. If I were still living at the former Stately Stern Manor, I'd probably be in Amish country too. Hopefully, you're still able to read the blog by candlelight.
For those of you who gave my trivia questions a go, here are the answers...
1. Who is the only actor that has been killed by a Terminator, an Alien, and a Predator? That would be Bill Paxton, who bought it in Aliens, Predator 2, and he was in Terminator. He was one of the punks that Arnold killed for their clothes in the beginning...
2. What movie did Steven Speilberg give Dan Aykroyd a cameo in to thank him for putting Speilberg in Blues Brothers? Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Aykroyd is the guy that greets Indy at Lao Che's air field.
3. Who was originally cast as Marty McFly in Back to the Future, but was fired three weeks into filming and replaced by Michael J. Fox? Eric Stoltz.
4. Who holds the world record for playing the longest note ever recorded on a saxophone? Kenny G, who, using circular breathing, held an E-flat for 45 minutes and 47 seconds.
5. Which living actor has made the most films to date? Not Samuel L. Jackson. Not even close. He only has 107 films to his credit. The correct answer is Christopher Lee, who at the age of 89 has appeared in over 260 films.
Hope you liked 'em. Maybe we'll make this a regular feature on here. Or not. See you Friday.
Hey there, 'Redheads... Well, I guess the people in the snow business finally got their bulk shipment in. Everyone's inner five year old roots for the white stuff until it snarls traffic and keeps your outer thirtysomething on the beltway for three hours. It sure is pretty, though. I usually host a trivia night in Bethesda on Wednesday nights, which got shelved because I place a higher priority on not dying on a drive home to Capitol Hill at 10pm. My priorities are way out of whack. Since I didn't get a chance to ask pointed pointless questions for points, why don't I lay some triviality on you, the snowbound reader? That question was rhetorical and does not count. Try not to google the answers...
1. Who is the only actor that has been killed by a Terminator, an Alien, and a Predator?
2. What movie did Steven Speilberg give Dan Aykroyd a cameo in to thank him for putting Speilberg in Blues Brothers?
3. Who was originally cast as Marty McFly in Back to the Future, but was fired three weeks into filming and replaced by Michael J. Fox?
4. Who holds the world record for playing the longest note ever recorded on a saxophone?
5. Which living actor has made the most films to date?
Hey there, 'Redheads... I, like alot of you, just got done watching the State of the Union address. In order to spice up the proceedings, I drank every time John Boehner got weepy. I am hammered. Man, he did not look happy when Obama brought up clean energy. This doesn't make any sense to me. He's so tan, you'd think he'd be pro-solar power. Boehner is so orange, he makes Snooki look like Gwyneth Paltrow. When Obama started talking about how the space race spurred such growth back in the 60's, I was hoping he'd say, "...which is why I propose we put a man on Mars before the North Koreans do!" I thought it was a good speech, but with the intermingled seating between parties, it was tough to tell which side agreed with him. I always enjoyed the lopsided standing ovations of States of the Union past, one side on their feet, while the other side has their arms crossed and bitter beer faces. But enough about the Union. Let's get to the state of me.
I'm not sure what's gotten into me lately, but this is the second night in a row I've gone to the gym. My girlfriend got a Groupon for a one month membership to Results, so now I aim to get some. I've started slow, literally, I'm power walking on the treadmill. Two and a half miles over randomly inclined terrain at a brisk 3.5 speed setting. I know, I'm an animal. A sloth. I had to keep myself from laughing when a woman in her sixties got on the treadmill next to me. Here I am, at 3.5, with a variable incline of 0 to 1.5, and I look over to see her at 3.6 at a steady incline of 7. Maybe I'll try a water aerobics class tomorrow. Anyway, it's a start. I've stayed steady with the blog, so maybe I can stick with this and mold this tub of goo into something that resembles abs. Let's just go for one ab. Baby steps. In fact, I half expect a toddler to bench more than me at this point.
Hey there, 'Redheads... I hope everyone found a way to keep warm over the weekend. Man it's cold. It's like Antarctica cold. Nanook couldn't take this kind of cold. It's toughest on the homeless, though I haven't seen any garbage can fires. I hope they realize, for the environment's sake, it's much more responsible to set fire to a recycling bin. ***The more you know...
I huddled up with some friends in front of a glowing movie theater screen at midnight on Saturday to let Aliens soothe my shivers like a cup of hot cocoa. My girlfriend could not understand why I was spending $10 to see a movie that I own on DVD. I've seen it more times than I can count. It's on my iPod. I could do a one man show of nothing but Aliens quotes. That's not the point. Never pass up an opportunity to see a classic flick on the big screen. Speaking of which, Airplane! is coming back to theaters for two days next week, 1/29 @ 12:30pm and 2/1 @ 7pm, at select AMC theaters. Do yourself a favor and spill a couple popcorn kernels in the aisle for Leslie Nielsen.
I finally fine tuned my powers of prognostication and picked a peck of pickled playoff peppers with the Packers and Pittsburgh. After going 2-2 the first two rounds, I managed to go 2-0 this weekend. The question is, will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm 6-4? Both games were pretty entertaining to watch. The Pack went through Chicago quarterbacks like kleenex and good luck getting the image of B.J. Raji's touchdown celebration dance out of your head. When he gyrated his yellow spandex clad ham hocks, he damn near affected the tides. In the other game, apparently, the Jets' flight got delayed until halftime, because that's when they decided to show up and play. They almost came back, but then Ben Roethlisberger did what he does best and forced his way to victory. I've got a new nickname for Mark Sanchez. Sisyphus. Sanchez is cursed to push Rex Ryan up a hill, only to watch him roll back down. By the way, thanks to Jim Nance for saying , "Roethlisberger pulled out early" on a fumbled snap. They won't show that highlight on Sports Center.
Some sad news this morning as fitness pioneer Jack LaLanne died at the age of 96. The irony is, if I went to the gym today, I'd come back feeling like a 96 year old man. According to his wishes, he'll be juiced.
Over the weekend, the real time action flick, Nick of Time came up in conversation. While it wasn't a great flick, it contains one of the better cinematic Christopher Walken moments of all time. I'll leave you with that and two other classics for your viewing pleasure...
Hey there, 'Redheads... This post is about milestones, two arbitrary and one that belongs in an episode of Ripley's Believe It Or Not (wow, I'm old). Let me rattle a few off for you. This is the 300th installment of the blog (only took me 5 1/2 years). As of yesterday's post, the blog passed the 26,000 hit mark (most of those are me constantly clicking on the blog to see how many hits I have). And, the most important one, one that will be inscribed in the annals of history, Magooby's Joke House in Baltimore broke the Guinness World Record for Longest Continuous Comedy Show last night. 81 hours of comedy. An hour and a half of which was my brand of mild amusement. I had the good fortune of having some cherry time slots. 8pm is a perfectly normal time for comedy. Kudos to my comedy comrades who got on stage at noon or 4am. That's when comedy is passed out. According to the rules, there had to be at least ten people in the audience, and at those times, that's about all that was there. Apparently, over the 81 hours, we averaged 42 people a show. That was helped by the near sell out crowd we had for the final three hours. Here's my set from last night. The video has the tail end of Jim Meyer's set, then me, then AyannaDookie. There's some new stuff in there, but I had to play the hits to fill the half hour. Since there were so many comics involved in this, I'm thinking we should get a plaque or a trophy with everyone's name on it to commemorate. A Comedy Stanley Cup, or something. Anyway, thanks to everyone who came out and supported us. The fact that a club in Timonium was able to break a record that was held by a club in L.A. really says something about the comedy scene 'round these parts. And it was all for a great cause. I think we raised over $30,000 for Special Olympics. That's my good deed for the year.
I neglected to mention my playoff pick results on Monday. Once again, I went 2-2. I was right about it being a bad weekend for things that fly. All of the birds went down like a game of Duck Hunt. All that was missing was that dog to laugh at them...The one game that no one picked was the Jets-Patriots tilt. Tom Brady and the Pats crapped in their hat (almost sounds like a Dr. Seuss book). The Jets talk more trash than Oscar the Grouch, so it was nice to see them actually back it up, even though I picked the Pats. The game will probably be remembered best for the epic on-field post game interview that Bart Scott gave to Sal Pal... So, in the hopes that I can continue my .500 playoff pick record, let's pull out the magic dart board and look at the championship match-ups for this weekend. In the NFC, I've been picking the cheeseheads this long, so I don't see any reason to jump off the wheel of gouda at this point. In the AFC, as fun as it would be to have Rex Ryan in the SuperBowl, just for the quotes in the two weeks leading up to it, I gotta go with Big Ben and the Steelers. Besides, I can't think of two teams that'd piss off Jerry Jones more to have in his house on the NFL's biggest night.
Hey there, 'Redheads... On Tuesday, I offered you a peek into the future of reality competition shows. An innocent looking Luvs commercial... It's a metaphor for all of these shows. We judge the crap that comes out of people. And the one that mirrors the Luvs commercial the most is the recently revamped American Idol. I will admit that I only caught a very brief bit of the show last night. Thankfully, it was on DVR so I could beep boop past all of the self-aggrandizing introductions of the new judges, right to the auditions. That's the meat of this first wave of episodes that we judgmental jackals drool over. We delight in watching the deluded masses get a reality check and get told that their years of training by singing in the shower hasn't prepared them for super stardom. When they introduced the new panel, my first thought was, "Wow, Kara DioGuardi looks like shit." Turns out that was Steven Tyler. Idol had a tough job of restoring the great balance of mean and overly nice/batshit crazy that Simon and Paula provided. Well, they got it half right. Now batting for batshit crazy is Steven Tyler, who looks and sounds like Gary Busey in drag. And in the role of overly nice, we have Jenny from the block. Essentially, they cut Paula in half (lithium poured out) and, like a Fantasia broomstick, both halves grabbed a bucket and began stumbling around. Randy is still there, but only so people can play the "dog" drinking game. The panel is now nice and batshit crazy without the harsh truth to pop the bubbles. The monster has had its teeth pulled and its meds doubled. Like I said, I saw about five minutes through my drooping eyelids, so maybe I just need to give it an awake and alert chance before I pass judgment, but where's the fun in that?
Tonight is the home stretch of Magooby's world record comedy marathon. I'm on at 8:00pm. The show is FREE. They just ask that you donate to Special Olympics. Get some bulk laughter and watch comedy history get made.
Hey there, 'Redheads... Big news has hit the interwebs about the third Batman flick. It was announced that Anne Hathaway will play Catwoman. Reaction that I've seen has been mixed. I'm going to reserve judgment on how she'll be able to pull it off. When I first heard that Heath Ledger was cast as the Joker, I couldn't see it, and his performance won a Batman movie a goddamn Oscar. Don't get me wrong, two thumbs way up for Anne Hathaway in a skin tight catsuit, but that's only part of Selina Kyle's charm. Catwoman is an iconic character. Just ask Halle Berry. I'm sure her performance will put her somewhere between Eartha Kitt and Michelle Pfeiffer in the pantheon. I wish I thought of it first, but fellow DC area comic Mike James said, "Apparently all you have to do to be a Batman villain is bone Jake Gyllenhaal in a previous movie." Hilarious.
Speaking of hilarious, do yourself a favor and check out the waning hours of Magooby's attempt to break the world record for longest continuous comedy show. I had a great time on stage last night and watching my comedy comrades, AyannaDookie, Rob Maher, Sonny Fuller, and Mike Way, in action. Your last chance to watch me do my part in this herculean effort is tomorrow night at 8pm. Check me out, then hang out to watch the record get busted at 11:30. Like you really have anything better to do. And it's for charity. Free bulk comedy and you can feel extra good about laughing at what our twisted minds come up with. About five years back, the standard credit for any comic in the Baltimore area was being an extra on The Wire. Co-holder of this record will replace that.
Hey there, 'Redheads... I saw something truly horrifying on TV yesterday. Given the amount of raw horror that spills out of the tube on a regular basis and how numb we've become to it, we're not easily shocked anymore. Birds fall out of the sky? Ho hum. We're jaded. But this nugget of odium came from an unlikely place: a diaper commercial...
Oh sure, it looks like a cute commercial, but think about what you just watched. A judged contest to see which child can take the more massive crap, on a stage in front of cheering fans that are snapping cell phone pictures. You see a cute baby cartoon. I see a grim window into the future of televised reality competitions. This does seem like the next logical step after competitive eating. And sure, some people in the crowd are there to cheer on their favorite baby but, just like people watch NASCAR to see the crashes, some sick bastards are there just to see a rupture. And in our world of manufactured celebrity, somebody will try to pass this off as a genuine spectator sport. Hey, everyone does it, right? UPS could sponsor. ABC will pass on it and FOX will add it to the line up after American Idol. You just watched and voted on people singing, now watch and vote on what comes out the other end. Yeesh.
Don't let crap like that infect your soul. Come out to Magooby's tonight to cleanse your soul with some comedy and charity. Right now, they're roughly 22 hours into the 81 hour marathon. They need audience members. The show is FREE. Just drop something in the bucket for Special Olympics and you get as much comedy as you can handle. I'm on at 8pm tonight, followed by Ayanna Dookie, Rob Maher, and Mike Way.
Hey there, 'Redheads... Sorry for the last minute post that I have no excuse for because I had the day off from work. I just slid into home after a harrowing ride on the frozen tundra that is 295 from Baltimore to DC. I saw several cars that had done a triple lutz into an embankment or into a jersey wall. I'm just glad I got back in time to keep the blog going for you. See what I do for you? Anywho, I hope everyone enjoyed their MLK Day. I spent the day scratching the i's out of every "Got Milk?" poster that I could find. I also met up with some friends at the American History museum. I paid tribute to another tireless civil rights advocate, Kermit the Frog. It wasn't easy being green, people. Martin Luther King's message still rings true today. You shouldn't judge people by the color of their skin, when there are so many other reasons to judge people.
I just got back from my first contribution toward breaking the world record for longest continuous comedy show at Magooby's. Things are off to a swimming start. They were at the eight-hour mark when I left. Just 73 more hours to go. Apparently, the whole thing is being broadcast on UStream, so go ahead and click the link if you'd like to satisfy your morbid curiosity and peek in on what a comedy show at 4:30 in the morning looks like. Please to also check out a chunk of the show live. Support the effort. Support comedy. Support the Special Olympics.
Hey there, 'Redheads... Week two of my attempt to mildly amuse on a regular basis is in the books, or the cloud, or whichever ether this mess is stored in. With another sheet torn off my 2011 word-a-day calendar, there comes another floccinaucinihilipilification disguised as an earth shaking discovery. Actually, it shook the heavens, or at the very least a Magic 8-ball. Apparently, the dates associated with the zodiac have been off for awhile. All these years you thought you were a gregarious, unassuming Libra and now it turns out you're just an unassuming, gregarious Aries. Everything you know is wrong. The Chinese are laughing at us. They've had their astrological ducks (and the sauce) in a row for centuries. Now the planet tilts on it's axis by a micron and we lose our celestial shit. I'm just amazed that we didn't take this chance to completely rework the zodiac to something more celebrity-centric. Stars for stars, right? For instance, I'm an Affleck with a Bieber rising. Just remember, Earth, Wind, and Fire said it best, "You're a shining star, no matter who you are."
Speaking of prognostication that usually turns out to be wrong, I should probably give you my picks for this weekend's slate of NFL playoff tilts. I have a feeling that it's doing to be a bad weekend for anything that flies. The Packers will pluck the Falcons, the Pats will ground the Jets, and the Steelers will grind past the Ravens. The only thing with wings that'll keep flapping into the next round will be the Seattle Seahawks, who're playing the Bears, a team they've already beaten in Chicago. I was 2-2 last week, so I'll probably be half right again.
Whatever general advice your horoscope gave you today, bend it to mean that you should go see a comedy show this weekend. There are tons of options to choose from in the DC/Baltimore area. I'm in two of them. Tonight, at the Comedy Spot in Arlington, VA and Saturday, at the Chesapeake Arts Center Studio Theater in Baltimore, I'll be doing a set for the DC Comedy Lab. Click the link for info. Also, don't forget that I'll be carrying the baton in the comedy marathon at Magooby's as they attempt to break the world record for longest continuous comedy show. All proceeds benefit Special Olympics. I'm on at 8pm on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. Check out a chunk of comedy for a great cause.
Hey there, 'Redheads... Well, 2011 is off to a rousing start. We're not even two weeks in and birds are falling from the sky, Snooki is a published author, a homeless guy is the most famous man in America, and now, brace yourself for the next big thing...Behold Heidi, the German cross eyed opossum. Look upon her and despair. Isn't it cute the way it looks like somebody glued a pair of googly eyes on it? She was featured on all of the morning news magazine shows this morning. She was offered free Lasik surgery by Meredith Viera on The Today Show. And job offers are already pouring in for Heidi. She's been offered a lucrative endorsement deal from PetSmart, a fill-in hosting gig on Regis & Kelly, she's going to squeak the national anthem at the Puppy Bowl, and there's already a tv movie in the works, Playing Possum: How Heidi Crossed Her Eyes into Our Hearts, that'll air on Animal Planet next week. Look for her to enter rehab by Friday.
Hey there, 'Redheads... Happy Hump Day to ye. What's left of it. I'm squeezing in a last minute quickie blog to keep things humming along, but it's late and I have a sick girlfriend to tend to. Priorities, people. Case in point, a game that I've been following the development of for the last year or so just launched on Monday, DC Universe Online...
I'm torn because the game looks awesome and it would help me live out my 8 year old fantasies of teaming up with Superman and saving the world, but I'm 35 and I have a life. I can't afford to get sucked into one of these massive online games for hours at a time, forgetting to eat, and turn into Gollum from Lord of the Rings. I'm having a hard enough time leveling up in the real world.
Hey there 'Redheads... A happy 1-11-11 to you. Not nearly as cool as November 11th will be, but I won't begrudge you your arbitrary number celebrations. I can't believe it's still January. Man, this year is dragging. One group of people who'll be happy when this day is over is local weather forecasters. Sure, I was 2-2 on my playoff predictions, but they've been about as reliable as a Magic 8-ball when it comes to winter storms in the greater (or slightly mediocre) DC area. First, we were told that two fronts were going to combine to give us our first big snow of 2011. Then, it was maybe 4 to 6 inches. Now, it's a light dusting. As I look out my window at 5:30 pm, I've seen more flakes in a dandruff shampoo commercial. Don't get me wrong, I'm not rooting for something that will snarl traffic and send people screaming to the store for enough toilet paper to stock Pepto-palooza '11, I just want to see our paid prognosticators actually get something right. Stop teasing us. Not that it's a tease for kids anymore, because the school districts are so reactionary, the mere mention of snow has them canceling classes for days. They didn't get things totally wrong. There is snow, it just missed us high and outside. Philly up to Boston is getting buried. And I just learned that it's snowing inside a house in Philly. My impossibly adorable niece and nephew got a hold of a roll of toilet paper, shredded it, and made it snow in my sister's living room...That's the funniest damn thing I've heard all day.
Hey there, 'Redheads... Happy Monday to ya. An anagram for "Monday" is "dynamo", which means "an energetic hard-working person". The bulk of my Monday has been spent futzing around on the internet, howabout you? I had a pretty fun weekend, which was spent doing manly things, consuming red meat and pork products, guzzling beer, watching playoff football, and playing poker with money I couldn't afford to lose.
I'm pretty happy with my NFL wildcard predictions. I went 2-2. I will always claim to be as accurate as a coin flip. The big upset, that no one outside of Seattle picked, was the Seahawks lighting up the defending SuperBowl champion Saints for 41 points. The back breaker for New Orleans came on an improbable 67 yard TD run from castoff Buffalo Bill, Marshawn Lynch. Every member of the defense had a shot at tackling him and whiffed like Charlie Brown getting the football pulled away by Lucy. Here's a replay...
Amazing how far they've come with highlight technology these days. Another cool thing about that touchdown, the resulting ruckus created in the stands caused a goddamn earthquake. Up until that point, in the regular season, the only disaster on that field was the game play of the Seattle Seahawks. Philly fans have been known to cause odd natural occurrences too. They make it rain batteries.
Here's some fun comedy tidbits to take note of. Starting Monday, the 17th, Magooby's Joke House will attempt to break the world record for longest continuous comedy show. 81 hours. I'll be making up an hour and a half of that, performing a half hour set on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday at 8:00pm. Proceeds from this herculean effort benefit the Special Olympics. Come check out a chunk of it and be a part of comedy history. This will probably be my only chance to get in the pages of the Guinness Book of World Records. If this doesn't work out, I'm going to have to grow my eyebrows really long or something. Also, mark your comedy calendars for March 31st - April 3rd. That's when I'll be returning to the DC Improv to feature for Judah Friedlander from 30 Rock. Click the respective links for info and tickets. And maybe become a fan on Facebook, if you haven't already.
Hey there, 'Redheads... It's Friday, and my goal of consecutive daily posts, lackluster though they may be, has been met. I'll take a break over the weekend and start back up on Monday. Still not sure if the week will fall into any kind of format moving forward, but it's a start. I know, you don't care, just type the funny. Ok then. Two things, then I've got a couple pieces of eye candy for you to suck on.
First, with the recent success of Ted Williams and his flood of job offers, I've decided to start writing all of my resumes on cardboard.
Second, the NFL playoffs kick off this weekend, so here are my picks for the wildcard round. I like the Seahawks over the defending SuperBowl champion Saints. You heard me. Outside of Reggie Bush, who's three weeks back from a broken leg, the Saints don't have any running backs. They just put Pierre Thomas and Chris Ivory on IR. Plus, the game is being played in Seattle, one of the loudest stadiums in the NFL. Also, my girlfriend is from Washington, so I kinda have to. I'll take the Chiefs over the Ravens, mostly because I'm worried that the Ravens will succumb to whatever is killing all of these other birds around the world. Plus, I already picked the Chiefs for my rematch of SuperBowl I, so I gotta go with them. I'm in a quandary over the Jets/Colts game. I can't stand the Colts, but I'd really like the Jets to lose, so the NY papers can make bad "Agony of De-Feet" puns about Rex Ryan's foot fetish videos. Tie goes to the better joke, so I'll take the Colts. Finally, in the Eagles/Packers game, I'm taking the cheese to stand alone. The Packers have the D to contain Vick, and this will be payback for when Vick came into Lambeau with the Falcons and handed Green Bay their first home playoff loss.
Here's the eye candy I mentioned. First, the Ghostbusters trailer re-cut Inception style...
And here's an uncle putting a whoopin' on his nephew for acting like a thug on Facebook. The last line is classic...
Hey there 'Redheads... Thanks for feigning interest for a fourth day in a row. I have to admit, it's tough coming up with stuff for this thing on a daily basis. Or maybe I'm just lazy. That's probably it. Well, to help back that up, I offer you a video to fill your mild amusement needs for today. A video that fills me with hope. Please enjoy this sketch from the BBC show, The One Ronnie, that compares favorably to another classic British sketch, The Dead Parrot Sketch from Monty Python...
Speaking of dead parrots, is anyone else concerned about the recent rash of birds losing the fight with gravity recently? They're taking dives like they were paid off by Don King (there's a timely reference for ya). What gives? I've heard multiple explanations, from military microwave testing to bird cults, but none of it makes much sense. All of the medical examiners' reports say that the birds, "showed signs of trauma". Yeah, that's what happens when you FALL FROM THE SKY. All of it seems like an M. Night Shyamalan rough draft. Here's something creepy. In that town in Arkansas, where the first mass swan dive occurred, the population is only 4800 people. 5000 birds died. That's more dead birds than live people. Enjoy your bucket of KFC. I'll do some more investigating and get back to you.
Hey there, 'Redheads... I'm trying to squeeze in a quick blog under the wire, to keep the streak alive at three. Happy Hump Day to ya. As happy as it can be, considering I did not hit the MegaMillions jackpot last night. Two lucky bastards in Idaho and Washington State now have the gross national product of Bolivia at their disposal. All is not lost, though. Opportunities pop up where you least expect them to. Take this guy, for example... Thanks to this viral video, that guy, Ted Williams, is getting job offers from all over the world, including the Cleveland Cavaliers, ESPN, and the NFL. I think it's great. I'm thinking of pitching a tent on the beltway to try to get some voicework, myself. The natural fit for him would be the host of a brand new game show, Homeless People Will Have Talent For Food. It's funny to me that the media latches on to human interest stories like this. Show them a person that society has literally tossed to the curb with the slightest glint of humanity in their eye and it's an uplifting story and people should give this man a job. I'm sure the guy selling flowers on the side of the road might be able to juggle. Why not toss him some temp work? Here's a thought, why don't we just help these people without asking them to sing "Puttin' on the Ritz" first.
Hey there, 'Redheads... The streak continues. Two days, two blogs. For now, it's only coincidence. Tomorrow it'll be a trend. Or, by tomorrow, I'll be a mega-millionaire and washing down my Faberge egg omelet with Dom Perignon out of a Ming vase. That's right, the Mega Millions jackpot is up to a whopping 330 million smackeroos. I've got five dollars worth of false hope that says I'll be doing the Scrooge McDuck back stroke. How can I be so sure? Ancient Chinese secret. I'm playing my fortune cookie numbers. Numbers that have failed me in the past, but they were merely biding their time, waiting for the jackpot to reach a level where I can live comfortably once Uncle Sam takes his cut. Yesterday, I ate at an Asian fusion restaurant. It was just Asian food, but the place was nuclear powered. But I digress, because I can. It's my blog. With a fortune like this, how can I fail?
The big question everyone is asking themselves is, "What will you do with the money?" For some, the answer is charity. For others, the answer is family. Not me. I'm going to buy an eye patch and hire some henchmen, because I've been itching to be someone's arch nemesis and all I've lacked is the funding. If I do win the money, I'll tell you one thing I won't do. Play in a 3-4 defense. Albert was right, that's for suckers. Until I'm catapulted to a higher tax bracket, I'll stay huddled among the tired masses who feel the universe owes us a cosmic solid.
Hey there, 'Redheads... First day back to work in 2011 and my goal of daily blog posts is going swimmingly so far. This will be a cheap way for you to fulfill that new year's resolution to read more while also neglecting the resolution to get more done during the day. Addition by distraction. I hope everyone bid adieu to 2010 in a rollicking fashion. My eve was spent sowing the seeds of a wicked hangover with good friends. We turned on the TV in time to see ABC wheel out Dick Clark to bum everybody out before the ball dropped. I know that New Year's Eve is his thing, but seeing him is like seeing one of those ASPCA commercials with the abused and neglected animals. We realize they mean well, but it's just depressing.
Speaking of pointlessly depressing displays, the Redskins' season is mercifully over. Just to give you an idea of how crappy the Skins were this year, even if they were in the NFC West they still wouldn't have made the playoffs. But this is the beginning of the most interesting part of any Redskin season in the last ten years, the off season. Rampant speculation about free agency and player job security is a cottage industry in DC. False hope is sold like foam fingers by this franchise. Expunge the pariah du jour and bring in another name that looked good on a fantasy team in 2005. Here's my pick to click for the playoffs. Super Bowl XLV will be a rematch of Super Bowl I: Packers vs. Chiefs. Book it.
In the waning hours of 2010, I spotted this headline on the back page of the Style section of The Washington Post:
Allow me to sum up her situation, "Let these guys in or get out." This is a convoluted Snidely Whiplash scenario. Instead of tying the damsel to the train tracks because she can't pay the mortgage, the guy twirling his mustache is paying the mortgage so the damsel can have a train run on her. It's mildly ironic, considering how many kids she's evicted. All that's left is to figure out the title of her porn debut. Eight Isn't Enough, Octopussy, and Cockto Mom are all possibilities. Stay classy, Nadya...
Some sad news this morning as actor, Pete Postlethwaite, lost his battle with cancer. One of the best nebulous accents in showbiz. If you don't know the name, you definitely know the face and the voice, recently in The Town and Inception, best known for his role in The Usual Suspects. Mr. Kobayashi, we hardly knew ye...